Thursday, January 28, 2010

Out of the darkness. I can see clearly again.

I’m driving to work. My nose starts bleeding, badly. I don't know why. I have blood pouring out of the middle of my face. It's every where. I drive to work steering with one hand while pinching my nose with the other. I get to work and my face and clothes are covered in blood. It looks like I took a savage beating. Despite this, I am in a good mood and feel almost unstoppable today.

I get to see my kids for a couple hours tonight. Saturday afternoon I get to see a couple bands play, Avi Buffalo and The Soft Pack, they are playing 10 different free shows around LA in one day. Saturday night I get to hang out with my friends Shaunna and Sloan, maybe someone else there too, but we aren’t counting on it.

I made a new friend this week, she seems pretty cool. It’s always nice to make new friends. She is going through some trouble similar to what I just went through, so it’s nice to talk to someone who can relate.

Yeah, every thing is looking pretty nice right now. I’m starting to see that silver lining around that cloud.

Have a good, fun, safe weekend everybody. And once again, thanks to everyone. You guys make my life complete.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

A brief history of amazing letdowns part II

01/25-01-26 2009

So I get home from work on Monday. I check my mail, usual crap, ad’s a bill and what’s this? A notice saying I have a package being held at the Post Office. It requires a signature. I didn’t order anything; I don’t think any of my friends have sent me a surprise, what could it be? All day the 26th I’m at work pondering this mystery package. No one I know admitted sending it. It’s driving me crazy. I can’t stop pondering this box of mystery. 4 o’clock, quitting time, I get in my car leaving my jacket and umbrella on my desk, I’m in a hurry, I have to get to the downtown Long Beach post office before 5. I get there; I pay my 2 bucks for parking a block away. It’s pouring and I remember my jacket and umbrella on my desk. Crap. Oh well, to the package of mystery. I walk in the door and stand in line for another 15 minutes. Finally it’s my turn. I walk to the window, hand the postal clerk my notice. She asks for ID. I give her my drivers license, she says it’ll be a minute and walks into the back. She comes back with a small package that says Mighty Dog on it. She hands me the package. I sign for it. Across the top it says “A week’s supply of puppy food for your new companion!” A fucking dog food sample, I don’t even have a dog. I walked outside in the rain and threw the box in the first dumpster I see. I walk back to my car with Charlie Brown music playing in my head getting soaked by the rain.

Monday, January 25, 2010

You said it's time to leave the planet.

I’ve been listening to a lot of old blues records lately. The soul and passion of those old musicians gets to me. It has feeling, it has depth. Most music today feels shallow and empty.

I went Saturday night with my friend Carlos to see a band called National Treasure. Very good indie rock in the vein of Claw Hammer, who I really miss and wish, would start playing again. Carlos is a friend of the singer/guitarist Ted and we chatted a bit after the show. He told me he has the same sweater I was wearing, so there you go, instant indie rock cred. Ted doesn’t have any fingers on his right hand, just a thumb. This doesn’t stop him from playing, in fact he was amazing. The whole band was really. They were loud, distorted and sloppy, just how I like it. Ted wailed about waking up dead and the coming meat revolution. National Treasure restored my faith in the underground, go see them if you get a chance.

Sunday was supposed to be my wedding anniversary; in a sense it still was I guess since the divorce isn’t final yet. I didn’t celebrate, I didn’t call her. I didn’t write her a letter or anything. I’m just letting her go on with her life. Instead I went exploring in my apartment building. There is a basement there that I never went into. I walked in and saw a laundry room. I’ve been going to the Laundromat every Sunday for four months and could have been doing it at home for half the money. Seems like that would have been something to tell me when I moved in.

After my adventure to the basement, I tried to check my email. My internet was down. I called tech support four different times and was hung up on each time. The fifth time I actually talked to someone. After an hour of talking to the person they decided they couldn’t do anything for me. She told me to give it a day or so and it might come back on and hung up. I called back and spent another hour on the phone trying to fix the problem. The tech told me they will dispatch someone to come and try to fix the problem, on February 13th. During that time I will continue to be billed.

With nothing else to do, I took a walk. It was nice out and as usual, all my cares drifted away the moment I put my headphones on and walked out the front door.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Happy Anniversary, I think I'll do laundry.

This is the first weekend in awhile that I don’t have any plans. There were a few things I was thinking of doing, but I decided to just hang out at home. This is the weekend of our anniversary. We decided to get married on a whim after knowing each other for a month. We drove to Vegas and got married at 6:40 am. I’m not staying home because of that, I’m staying so I can do my laundry and straighten up the place. That will kill about two hours. The rest of the time I will just veg. I don’t feel sad about it. I don’t really know how I feel about it. I’m just whatever about the whole thing. Moving on is interesting, and the possibilities that I have for the future are amazing.
I take that back, I do have something to Sunday. A friend recommended a movie to watch. I shall.

Yesterday I was told by my friend Shaunna, “Girls can tell.” I don’t know what it means. I asked my sister and was told “She’s right.” That didn’t help much. I’ll never know I guess.

Here's a song by Spoon.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

More bitching and moaning.

It’s kind of a glum day. It’s cloudy and cold. I spent the drive into work thinking about my situation. A friend of mine asked if I was actually happy in my marriage, the answer is sometimes. But if I wasn’t happy all the time, why am I so sad now? Is it because after all this time, I am alone? Am I just used to having someone around? It’s the stupid crap I miss the most. Eating dinner and I look up; she gives me a little smile. Going to a movie and she lays her head on my shoulder, or we are watching something funny on TV and she would look my way to see if I’m laughing too.

I’m not saying that I’m not happy now. I am at times. I think about it a lot less then I used too. It’s natural to think about things like this. We were together along time and there a lot of memories. I’m making new memories now. Not replacing them, not forgetting but moving on and away from us. I stopped thinking in terms of us awhile ago. Now it’s you and me. No longer together, but separate.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Someone Great

One of the reasons I considered stopping this is gone. Petty jealousy destroys friendships. I’m sorry if my life seems better then yours, but you are the one who put yourself in the position you are in. You have only yourself to blame. No one is holding you back. Nothing is going to change for you unless you do it yourself. I will miss you, but maybe we need a break. I’ve decided to keep writing, I’m not going to let some people hold me back.

I spent this weekend with my kids. We went to my sister’s house. We spent the weekend scanning old pictures into her computer. It was strange looking at those pictures seeing the progression of a happy family into complete hell. There were a lot of pictures of my childhood. They stopped at age 10. It’s like I disappeared after I turned 10. My sister told me that none of the people mom works with even know she has a son. She stopped telling people about me after she threw me out at 15. It’s a strange feeling knowing that you are being wiped out of someone’s memory.

On the drive home I was playing some mix cd I made. Someone Great by LCD Soundsystem came on. I mentioned that it was a sad song. Gracie asked me what it was about. I told her I think it’s about loosing a great love and being sad that no one seems to know how sad you are and that everything in the world keeps going normally and that makes you sadder. You feel the world and everything in it should be sad too, but it’s not. You are alone in your sadness. I stopped telling her about the song, tears welled up in my eyes. Gracie started crying. I was crying. I put my sunglasses on so she wouldn’t see her dad cry. I reached back to her and grabbed her knee. I told her not to worry, that everything is better now and that I love her and her sister and that I am not going anywhere. After the little crying session I felt better. I guess I need to do that.

On a good note, I found out that I was the fabled cool older brother with good music taste. Apparently my sister’s friends liked me. They thought I was good looking and had an awesome music collection. I don’t know about good looking, but I still have an awesome music collection.

Friday, January 15, 2010

And that's all she wrote. So long everyone.

I had to take a drug test at work because of my weight loss. I lost a lot of weight and have more energy then I did before, so I must be doing drugs.

I woke up in a bad mood. I had a bad night. It happens whenever the kids come over. I start thinking about her and everything. It’s weird now though, it’s not so much love and missing, but anger and jealousy. I don’t like feeling that way. I’d rather be sad then angry and jealous. I don’t even know what I’m jealous of, how quickly she moved on, the fact that this seemed so easy for her? What is it? I guess that’s part of dealing with a loss.

I think I’m getting over it. I think I’ve come along way since this started.

I think I’m drying up. I don’t want to write this anymore. It’s become a chore. It’s not fun anymore. I was stupid to think I could do this everyday. I was bound to loose interest in it like I do with everything I start.

So long everyone.

Thanks for reading.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I am... in a world... of Shit


Kind of a down day, just dwelling on the past, something I told myself I wouldn’t do any more. It’s hard not to think about today. One of the last concerts we went to was a guy named Jay Reatard. He died yesterday. I spent last night thinking about the show, how we argued about something stupid. It was my fault, it always was. I hated being in public and took it out on her. I almost always spoil what could be an amazing time together. I keep looking back at all the times she wanted me to go somewhere with her and I said no. I should have gone. I should have enjoyed my time with her, but no I had to be selfish and want my time for me. Now that I am alone all the time I realize how special those times could have been, and I just threw them away. She loved me and I stomped on her love till it went away. I have no one to blame in this mess but myself.

Early days.

My aunt and uncle were slobs. My parents would make me stay with them when I was a kid. There was dog and cat shit in the carpet, human shit on the bathroom floor. Dirty diapers were everywhere. Flies, maggots and roaches infested the place. All of the dishes were piled in the sink. The kid’s rooms smelled like piss. We ate meals on dirty plates. We drank out of old vegetable cans. I had to sleep on the couch that was covered with animal hair and strange smelling stains.

My aunt and uncle wouldn’t do anything but lines of speed and fuck all day. The kids were horrible, they stunk. None of them ever took baths and wore the same clothes for days. I don’t think any of them even owned a pair of shoes. The toilets were always backed up and spilling over. I went to the bathroom out side if I had to go.

For three days straight I only ate canned peaches. I didn’t feel safe eating anything else at the house. I would open the can and just slurp them down. I was locked out of the house once with my cousin. She was hungry and started crying. I banged on the door, but no one let us in. She took off her diaper and started eating her shit. I kicked the door, screaming for someone to let us in. We sat there for an hour, me freaking out crying and my cousin covered in shit.

My aunt finally answered the door and yelled at me for letting my cousin do that to herself. I went inside and was spanked. I had to clean up my cousin and spend the rest of the day in the corner.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A quick note.

This is a note I wrote to myself.

I’ve been dealing with being Bipolar for years. I have been ashamed about it. The stigma of having a mental illness was too much. I have a history of mental illness and suicide in my family. My father, aunt and uncle have committed suicide. All three were Bipolar. My mother is Bipolar; so far my sister was spared. I’ve been through some sad times and suicidal thoughts lately. With my family history I decided I need to get some help. I called my insurance company and told them what was going on and asked what I could do. They were extremely helpful and connected me to a nurse who asked a few questions about my family history and listened as I told her everything. She gave the phone numbers and websites of some suicide help centers she asked if she needed to call the police or an ambulance for me and if I was going to kill myself that night. I assured her that I would not be doing that. After she was certain I wouldn’t hurt myself, she connected me back to the insurance company. They gave me a list of mental health clinics and therapist in my area. I called a few and was able to see a therapist the weekend. After talking for an hour, she said I am a classic bipolar case. The therapist suggested I see a Dr. about meds. I went to see the doctor. She asked me questions for an hour. She told me I should try taking Lithium. I was apprehensive at first, but went ahead and started taking it. Three months later I feel fine. No more ups and downs, no more sitting in my apartment in the dark. I started a blog that I pour my feelings and thoughts into. After re-reading through it, I notice an upswing in my mood a few days after starting the lithium. And that feels good.

The good days out number the bad now.

Keep it that way.

Twenty years

I was asked by and old friend I haven’t spoken to or seen in twenty years, “So, what have you been up to?”

So, here you go. What I’ve been doing for the last twenty years

Got my GED

Took flying lessons

Discovered I was colorblind and had to stop flying

Went back to school

Went to racing school

Made a few friends

Did a lot of drugs

Moved from friends house to friends house

Joined the Air Force

Went to Texas for Basic Training

Started Tech School in Sheppard Air Force Base

Moody Air Force base Georgia for six months

Flew back to Ridgecrest for vacation, no one had changed

Three hell filled years in Fairbanks Alaska

Thrown out of the Air Force for writing some bad checks

Three months in Federal Prison for the bad checks. (200 dollars worth by the way)

Moved back to Ridgecrest

Realized I will never find work in Ridgecrest

Moved in with my father in Long Beach

Met a girl named Tamara

Got married

Moved to Las Vegas

Back to Ridgecrest

Tamara leaves on my birthday

Shot in the head with a BB on same birthday

Spent the rest of the night in the emergency room

Stayed with Don and Christy for a few weeks

Didn’t like living in their garage

Divorce final

Move back to Long Beach with my dad and his fifth wife

Start work at a record store

Met Dawn

Married Dawn on a whim one month later

Had two daughters

Fired from record store

Start work at another record store

Become assistant manager

Get fired again

Decide to get a big boy job

Work at a mail order pharmacy on permanent temporary status

Get fired because I had to stay home with sick kids

Decide I don’t want to be a complete failure and decide to learn a trade

Attend truck driving school. I like to travel and I get paid. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

I hate it

I drove to New York, ate a hot dog and leave again

Start a job with a hazardous waste pick up company

Worked 13-17 hours a day for two years

Quit that job and started working on the Goodyear blimp

I loved it

Stayed there for two years and was fired for being a stupid liar

Dawn was laid off two days before that

Applied for welfare so the kids would be insured

We both find new jobs within a week

Been here three and a half years now

Dawn wants out

I’m sad but understand

I move out

I met one special friend who helps pull me out of my depression

Got the divorce papers last Saturday

I’m cool with it

 A brief glimpse at the past twenty years.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

We must connect.

I’m going a bit backwards today. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep or the boredom at work, but I am just bummed out today. I think the desire to connect with someone in a non-internet sense is getting to me. I really should make friends that are a bit closer to me, someone I could go see after work if I wanted to. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never had a desire to connect with others. It’s very foreign to me.

Three unrelated topics


One of the reasons I picked my apartment was because it’s so close to the Port of Long Beach. I love listening to the ships come into the harbor and blow their horns. It reminds me of being a kid in San Pedro. I guess its a little happy memory from my childhood before everything turned to crap.

This morning I changed my mind. I’m used to hearing a ship come in late at night and it doesn’t usually bother me. At 4:30 I was awaken by a horn. Every two minutes for a half hour they blasted the horn. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I laid there listing to that damn horn. Happy memory shattered.

My friend sent me a box of cookies. I never got them. She checked the tracking and it said the package was left on my doorstep on the 23rd of December. I live in a secure building. It’s locked up all day and night. That means someone in my building took my cookies. Bastards, I hope you feel stupid when you opened the box to see what you could pawn and found cookies.

One my favorite things to do for Dawn, was to make her mix cd’s of music she may like. I would spend hours going through my music collection trying to find the right mix. I don’t get to do this anymore. I miss doing it.

I decided that anyone who wants a cd can have one. I love putting them together. I love exposing people to new music. If you want one, let me know. No two will be the same. Each one will be different and personalized. So, if you want one, hit me up on my Facebook page.



Monday, January 11, 2010

Where's Shirley?

I never explained the Verne/James thing. I am named after my fathers great grandfather James and his father Laverne. James Laverne Robison. Laverne went by Verne. He was not my fathers’ biological father. He was his step father. I’ve never met his real father. I don’t care to meet his family, he is the only one I considered grandpa. Dad’s grandfather is a step also. It’s the same on my mothers’ side. No one will say anything about her real father. I recently found out he was a Ukrainian sailor. Grandma won’t say anything else about it. I’m not going to pry.

For the first 13 years of my life I went by Verne. I hated it. I always got teased for my name. It was always “Hey Laverne, where’s Shirley?” To this day I can’t watch Laverne and Shirley without cringing. After the show was canceled, along comes Jim Varney and his stupid “Hey Verne!” crap. After that, the movie Stand By Me had a dumbass character named Verne.

When I started 7th grade I thought, here’s my chance, no more Verne. It was a new school with new people; I would start using my first name. It sort of worked. There were a few people from elementary school who insisted upon calling me Verne. Verne morphed into nerd. For the entire 7th grade and half of 8th grade people called me nerd. It sucked, but it was better then Verne.

When I left Rialto, No one called me Verne anymore. Even my family called me James. Verne was dead.

20 years later.

Verne has been resurrected. With all this digging in to my own past, I decided to reefer to myself as Verne again. It just seemed fitting. I can’t escape my past so I will embrace it.


I woke up all congested. I took a Claritin. Now I’m all amped up and jittery, but I can breath. Every once in awhile, I’ll think of Dawn, It doesn’t last to long and I go on with my day. It doesn’t get me sad. It’s impossible not to think of her sometimes. It would be foolish to think other wise. You can’t spend every day of your life for thirteen years and not think of them occasionally.

I think I really don’t love her. Those feeling are gone. Sure I’ll always have a spot in my heart for her, but yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s gone. I’m not even angry with her new man. He can give her something I was not able too.

Time to work on Verne I guess.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

It's offical

I got served my divorce papers yesterday. I am not sad about it. The person who served me is a friend of Dawns, and all things considering, it was nice to see her again. She is one of the few of Dawn's friends that I actually liked. We chatted for a few minutes yesterday after business was taken care of about what my options are now. I have no plans on fighting this. We verbally agreed on everything so there were no surprises in the papers. I am now technically a single person. The only thing I can't do is get married. I don't plan on doing that again any time soon.

This is the first weekend I've spent alone in awhile. So far the boredom hasn't killed me. I've just been reading, playing my bass and watching movies.
The single life ain't to bad I suppose.

And for those of you that keep track of my Facebook page, I decided to keep Molly the jerk cat around. She's still a baby, she will grow out of it.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Feelin just fine.


I got to work and emailed Dawn. I asked her if I could see the girls. She said if I am ready to see them that would be fine. We got in a weird conversation about me finding a girlfriend. Talking to your wife (technically we are still married) about that was weird. She told me I need to start dating. I told her I’m considering it.

Last night I had my girls for a few hours. Abby started calling me dad instead of daddy. That kind of made me sad. Dawn picked them up at 8. I used to get a weird feeling in my stomach when I had to see her. Last night it wasn’t there. It was more like; oh the baby momma is coming to get them. After the kids got in the car she said she needed to tell me something. She looked nervous; she looked in my eyes to try to sense what I was thinking. She said she had finally filed the papers and that I will be served on Saturday by her friend. She asked if I am OK. The truth is, I am fine with that. I can close that chapter now. She said I need to eat. I hear that a lot these days. We hugged and I went back inside and watched a movie.

I have to admit, I was sad for a minute. I knew it was coming and I expected it any day now. But it still stung a little. Rejection always hurts no matter how hard you prepare yourself for it. I began to think about what to do next. The answer I came up with is nothing. Nothing I can do about it. Life goes on. It’s been awhile since we broke up and I’m not sad about it anymore. I’m not angry about it. We weren’t happy together, we were two different people. I’m surprised we actually lased as long as we did. I’m off to better things. It’s time to start over with new people and new experiences.

When I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is put on the local news. This morning when I turned on the TV the end of a commercial was on. It said the dawn is your enemy. I laughed at that. She will never be my enemy, she won’t be my friend anytime soon, but she will never be my enemy.

Lithium update.

It seems to be doing its job. I am a lot more stable now, in a better mood more often. I still don’t like having to take pill’s everyday, but it does seem to help me. It isn’t just the Lithium, I’ve met a few people that care about me and have been very supportive through this whole ordeal. So drugs and friends, that’s all I ever needed.

Turns out I like being happy.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

You see me, I don't care.


I used to get sad when I thought about us. Now I get angry.

It was bound to happen sooner or later. I was driving home and saw the ex’s best friend behind me. She got up closer and picked up her phone and called someone. I’m pretty sure she called Dawn to tell her that she was behind me. She stayed in my blind spot for a few minutes. We got off the freeway and she passed me. I caught up to her at a stoplight. I looked her way; she turned her head and looked the other way. I’m not stupid; I’ve known you for thirteen years. I know what you look like Jennifer. You may not like me at all, but playing Jr. High If I don’t see him, he isn’t there games? I hold no animosity towards you. Sure I think it’s weird that you and Dawn both decide to leave your husbands at the same time. But a little wave hello would have been nice. I would have waved back.

Early 80’s

I used to have to see who I was told was a speech therapist in school. I never talked in class so they assumed that I had a problem. I figured out pretty quickly that he wasn’t a speech therapist. I would sit in his little office and play with puppets. He would ask me to draw pictures and tell him what I thought they meant to me. I told him I didn’t want to go anymore. He suggested to my mom that I see a regular therapist. As I mentioned before, that didn’t long either. I went back to my usual loner, quite self and sat under the trees and read on recess. I ate by myself. I made up stories for show and tell. I copied Ginny’s math work every day; the rest of the year was dull.

In sixth grade we had some weird string art project we had to do. We were supposed to pick two colors and make a pattern. That was boring. I used all eight colors. Mr. Smith said that I couldn’t do that, I had to choose and pick only two. I went home and asked my mom to buy some string. I told her I needed it for a project. She went and got me different colored strings. I did the project at home and turned it in. I got an F for being creative.

I rode the bus too and from school. When the driver was in a good mood, she would play the radio. When ever Celebration by Kool & the Gang would play, the kids on the bus would sing along. Should I Stay Or Should I Go came on the radio. Melissa turned to me and said “Verne, you should go.”

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

More about me ( I am hell bent on telling everything about me)

Woke up groggy as usual, but in a good mood. Had a cup of coffee and hit the road.

I don’t feel like writing a story today so, you get more random facts.

Whenever I would get sick, my mom would say god was punishing me

My dad and grandpa would take me fishing on boats out of San Pedro. They would get drunk. Once they got drunk and left for home while I was still on the boat. The crew gave me a hamburger and I waited with them till dad came and got me.

I went to the nurse’s office one time. She put the thermometer in my mouth. I bit the thermometer and broke it. My mouth was filled with mercury and broken glass. The nurse came back in and I spit it out. She asked if I swallowed any of it. I told her no and she sent me back to class.

My friend’s parents were always away. We would go to his house to play. We had a bunch of smoke bombs. We decided to light them in the house. The house filled up with blue smoke. We ran away and the fire department showed up. He got in trouble and told his mom and dad that me and our friend Bill did it.

I started school a year late. I don’t know why. I was always a year older then everybody. They thought I had flunked a grade.

I used to have to clean up the dog shit. The people behind us had a pool. They never invited us to swim so I would use the shovel and toss the dog shit over the fence into the pool.

I don’t know how to swim and I have no intention of doing so.

My uncle taught me how to cast my fishing line. We were standing on the riverbank, I cast the line. The hook caught my dad in the shoulder. He was down the hill from us so I didn’t see him. I felt the hook catch. My uncle started yelling “Reel it in Verne! You caught a big one!” I started yelling “daddy! I caught a whale!” My dad backed up the bank yelling for me to stop.

A desert tortoise would show up at my backyard gate every morning. I would feed him dog food.

On my first date with a girl named Katie, I rear ended another car.

I took a girl to a hockey game one. In between periods I told her I liked her. She asked if I wanted some popcorn and left to get some.

I made a t-shirt that said I am not cool. Everyone told me it was cool. I told them no it’s not.

I used to make flyers for my fake band.

I fell down a small waterfall in Lytle creek.

I was so hungry that once I stole a can of spam.

I found a bunch of coyote skulls in the desert. I gave them to people for Christmas.

The first time I got drunk, I told Beth I love her and threw up on her feet.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A sunny afternoon.

I gave up trying to force myself into a good mood today. Too much bullshit going on at work, I try not to let it get to me but it does. Everybody here is bitchy today. I guess it’s coming back to work from a long break that does it. I’m trying hard to remain positive and keep in good spirits but it’s still pretty hard. I can’t let the bastards get me down.

All I want is a cup of coffee and a cigarette.

I have learned one of the drawback to doing this, I feel like I must share absolutely everything. As soon as I do something I want to immediately write about no matter how small it is. No matter how boring it is, I want to jot it down. I suppose I just want to feel like I accomplished something, some boring ass record of my life.

So you want to be a writer by Charles Bukowski

These words are not my own. However it is good advice. I suggest we all take it. The ones that need this advice will never take it though.

So you want to be a writer.
Charles Bukowski

if it doesn't come bursting out of you

in spite of everything,

don't do it.

unless it comes unasked out of your

heart and your mind and your mouth

and your gut,

don't do it.

if you have to sit for hours

staring at your computer screen

or hunched over your


searching for words,

don't do it.

if you're doing it for money or


don't do it.

if you're doing it because you want

women in your bed,

don't do it.

if you have to sit there and

rewrite it again and again,

don't do it.

if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,

don't do it.

if you're trying to write like somebody


forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of


then wait patiently.

if it never does roar out of you,

do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife

or your girlfriend or your boyfriend

or your parents or to anybody at all,

you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,

don't be like so many thousands of

people who call themselves writers,

don't be dull and boring and

pretentious, don't be consumed with self-


the libraries of the world have

yawned themselves to


over your kind.

don't add to that.

don't do it.

unless it comes out of

your soul like a rocket,

unless being still would

drive you to madness or

suicide or murder,

don't do it.

unless the sun inside you is

burning your gut,

don't do it.

when it is truly time,

and if you have been chosen,

it will do it by

itself and it will keep on doing it

until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

Wake up James

This morning I woke up basically fucked. I couldn’t sleep. I kept getting up and drinking water. I would eat leftovers. I just couldn’t sleep. Around three this morning I decided to check my email. Instead of reading them I deleted every one of them, so if you sent me a message you won’t be getting a reply. I’m not being an asshole; I just don’t know what to say.

I watched Harold and Maude last night before going to bed. It made me sad. I remember the first time I watched it, what I was doing, who I was watching it with and it bummed me out a bit. I know watching it will never be that perfect again. That was the problem; I should never go to bed when I’m sad. I won’t sleep and I’ll just dwell on all the negative things going on.

I’m not alone, I have a lot of friends who are never more then a phone call away, but for some reason I keep trying to push away most of them. Some of my friends I’ve known for over twenty years and lately I just want to tell them to leave me alone. But yet I crave friendship. I want to meet new people.I just have this desire to wipe out my past and start fresh. Is it possible to start a new page while clinging to the past? Do we outgrow our friends? I think I have.

I am sad today, but it’s only because I didn’t sleep. I’ll cheer up again. I always do.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Lets learn about James for fun and profit

It’s my first day at work after two weeks off. The past two weeks will are defiantly two of the most interesting weeks in my life. I met a lot of new people; I started this inner metamorphosis of myself, I am coming to accept the fact that my marriage is over. I cemented an already deep friendship even deeper; at least I think I did.

And now it’s back to the salt mines as my grandma says. It’s really not as bad as I make it out to be. There just isn’t a lot to do sometimes and it gets really boring. It gives me a lot of time to think. When I think, I would dwell on the past, I would dwell on the ex. I don’t do that as much as I did. I kind of miss it. The pining away and sadness over the whole thing were a big part of my day to day life. Now I think about the future. I think about the people I will meet and the places I will go. I think about my moment in the sun, and wonder when it will be my turn.

Here, have some more random facts about me.

In 4th, 5th and 6th grade I sat behind Shonna Hoback. Holy fuck, I loved her. She may be the only crush I really talked to. I would sit and stare at the back of her neck all day. To this day, whenever I remember how I felt whenever she turned and handed me a paper, smiled at me and said “Here you go Verne.” I melt every time.

While in 7th grade I kept a knife under my pillow incase the Nightstalker decided to attack my house. I would save my family.

Richard Robinson threw my lock to the PE locker in the toilet. Mr. Moonie told me to get it out. I told him to get it out himself. I got detention because I didn’t stick my hand in a toilet.

I went to a movie one night when I was 21 or 22. I can’t remember what we saw. There was some girl that sat next to me after the lights went down. I have no idea what she looked like or who she was. We both fumbled our arms on the shared armrest. I took her hand and held it. She squeezed my hand. We watched the movie with our thumbs caressing each others hand. The movie ended, I got up said goodbye and walked away.

My mother had a part time job working in the kitchen for Rialto school district. I would get secretly offended when someone complained about the food.

My first car was a 1976 Vega that had a bumper sticker on it that said “I love my kids” I left it on.

I was bit by a black widow once.

Once in a mall, some counter girl said “Dude, you are fucking hot” I didn’t know what to do so I mumbled thank you and walked away.

I would steal books from the school library.

When I take the train to and from work, I put my headphones on and pretend to listen to music and listen to the people around me talk

This girl I dated gave me crabs. We broke up after that.

I am scared of heights.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Pumped full of drugs

Things have been pretty good the past couple days. I keep waiting for something bad to happen. It seems that when ever I am in a good mood, something comes along and shatters my happiness. Hopefully not this time. I've worked hard to this little happy place and I don't want to leave it.
I've decided to quite being such an attention whore. I'm not going to bug the hell out of people to read this. If they read it, cool. If not, no biggie.
Taking the lithium is weird. I get up in the morning and am compelled to go do something. I wake up in a good mood. i want to go out and talk to people. Is this normal? Is this what I've been craving? Is it changing me too much? Am I going to stop being me? I know I've wanted to be happy and well adjusted for a long time, but it's happening so fast. I kind of feel like Charlie in Flowers For Algernon. Not that I am in his position, But knowing whats going on and recognizing and accepting the changes that are going on within me.
Is this something I should have done years before? How different would my life be if I had taken the Lithium when I was twenty five like they wanted. would I be in the state I am in now? Would I want to be?

Saturday, January 2, 2010

What are we gonna do now?/James is a cult hero.

First thing this morning I had an appointment with my therapist. She asked about me and my friends and said I'm doing better. I asked about the Lithium, She said it seems to be working. So I'm going to stick with it. I've been in a good mood all day long so I guess it is working. She asked for a sample of my writing. I printed out about half this blog till I ran out of ink. I know I ask people to read this all the time, but when I know they are actually reading it I feel weird. The other day my sister and her husband insisted on reading this while I was at there house. I couldn't take it and had to go outside till they were done.
I had a bit of closure today. I went and visited the people at my old job. I was fired on a day off, so I never had a chance to say goodbye to anyone. I miss everyone there. It was the only place I have ever worked where we all got along. When I was there today, it was almost like I still worked there. Nothing really changed. Some of the faces are different and the place had been renovated, but it was like I never left. We stood around and told stories.
After that I went to the library and got a few books. Nothing interesting happened there so that's all I'm going to say about that.
I had a shrimp burrito and chicken nachos for lunch. I had to send it back three times. I ordered the food with no tomatoes. Every time they brought my food out, it was smothered in tomatoes. After the third try, they got it right.
Came home and responded to some emails. I chatted for a bit with my friend Jamie. Responded to a few more emails and watched The Departed. And that brings us to now.
It's been a good day. I didn't think about the ex, I didn't get sad. It was a really normal day actually. I like days like that, I miss normal.
Someone paid me a compliment today. He said "James, you're going to be a cult icon someday."
Everybody laughed at that, but it felt awesome to hear that.

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Years Eve.

I stink
I'm tired.
My arm is covered in marker.
I got some new art for the walls.
I've been wearing the same clothes since 6 am 12/31/09.
My mouth taste like a sewer.
I had a fucking blast.

Here's to the new year. A year of rebuilding, a year of finding myself, a year of new connections.
I will be optimistic this year. I am looking forward to each new day and the adventures it brings. I am looking forward to meeting new people and trying new things. I am done sitting and feeling sorry for myself. People like me, hell, people love me. These people are my inspiration to go on each day. Whether they are old friends or new, I thank each and everyone of you for your support and help.