Complete nonsense. Writers block sucks.

For Donella, the girl with glasses who puts me in my place.




I haven’t felt like doing this much lately, I mean I want to but when I sit down there is nothing there anymore. I mean how many times can I write about being lonely and sad because she left? It gets boring after awhile. I’m doing a hell of a lot better then I was a few months back. I sort of miss how I was back then. There is a certain comfort in being sad. I didn’t care how I looked when I went to work; I lost a lot of weight because I refused to eat. I lived like a hermit, all hairy and probably smelly. Now I’ve been taking care of myself, cleaning up the apartment, making a half assed attempt at talking to people.

The lithium has really helped a lot. I was against taking it for years, and basically destroyed my marriage because of it. I don’t know if you’ve ever lived with someone who is Bi-polar, but we are not the easiest people to get along with. I’ve been getting out more. I’ve been spending more time with my sister.



See, this is terrible. I shouldn’t have written this.



Cheers,



James

Life has a certian ability of breathing new life into me, so I breath it in.

Despite all the setbacks I’ve had lately, I remain in good spirits. I know something good will happen to me someday. The bad times aren’t all behind me yet. I still think of the ex a lot. Sometimes I wish she’d come back, but I think that’s because I don’t really want to be alone. I spend my time trying to work on some music with a friend, reading and walking around exploring my city.


I’ve slowly started going out. Not dating, just hanging out. I don’t know if I’m ready for dating just yet. I’m not too worried about it. When it happens, it happens. I’ve reconnected with another friend from Jr. High. She is another one that had a crush on me back then. Apparently I was quite the heartthrob back then. Why wasn’t I aware of this? It would have made Jr. High a lot more pleasant.

I haven’t been writing much lately, frankly I haven’t been doing anything worth writing about. The Lithium is still working; I’m not down so much. I’ve lost 75 pounds since she left. I’m feeling good about myself. Hell, I even think I look good. I’ve never thought like that before. I can see my personality changing. I find myself talking to people at work. Not out of necessity, but because I want to. I have more energy, I laugh and smile more.

I am happy.
I am more me

About damn time.

There is a radio in my head.

Sitting in the hole last night, I heard someone yelling “Faggot ass faggot. Come down here so I can fuck you in the ass like you fucked my woman!” I looked outside and there is some guy yelling this into the sky. He kept repeating this over and over for five minutes. He stopped, turned and walked out of the ally. I love living in the city.




After that I sat wishing I had someone to talk too and hoping this pack of cigarettes last me through the week. I’m not really that sad anymore, just lonely. I have a lot of online friends, but they are just that, online friends. I want to go out again, go on dates with girls, and go see a show with someone. All of my friends live far away and all the girls I know are married or have boyfriends. Sitting there thinking of this, I started to get sad. I’m surrounded by people, but still feel alone. I could make a little more effort to meet people, but something is holding me back.



The truth is I like someone. This will never turn into anything more. She’s married and I won’t try to come between them. I don’t want to wait in the shadows forever, but I can’t help but think if I’m patient maybe someday we could be together. I’m also realistic about it and tell myself it will never happen.



And now, some random facts.



I had a shirt that said “Frankie say Relax. Don’t do it.



I’ve been going to the Long beach grand Prix since 1983. This is the first year I will go alone.



Sometimes when I listen to music, I pretend I’m in the band.



I went on a blind date a few weeks ago, it was horrible.



I am scared of horses.



I hate my job but I keep it because for once in my life I need to stick with something.



There are times were I still miss my ex-wife.



I’ve never had a lap dance.



I get weird mini crushes of random girls I meet.



I kissed a guy once.



I fell down a waterfall.



In the Air Force, I walked in on my roommate masterbaiting. Neither one of ever brought it up again.



I shaved off my beard last night and instantly regretted doing so.



By the time I was 16 I had lived in 11 different cities.