Just to see you smile..

For Lydiaemily.

Because of me, you have paint on your iPhone.

Four words, I like…your blog. That’s how it started. I don’t have many people hitting me saying that. I was intrigued. I wanted to know who this person was. She added me as a friend. I looked at her profile. She is beautiful. She is an amazing artist. I told her I love her work and she thanked me. That’s all I needed. I found my inspiration, my muse.

We have only been talking for a week, but I’m obsessed. I have to know everything about her. She says I make her smile. She makes me smile.  We may never actually meet. We may not have much time together. She’s sick. I will value every moment we have together and remember every text, every email, every facebook posting between us. Until we are no more, I will do everything I can to keep her smiling and laughing.

I want see her smile in person at least once. I want to go to the zoo with her, watch the gorillas and hold her hand. I want to make her smile in person. I want to have coffee and smoke cigarettes for real.

If that doesn’t happen, I will be happy just knowing her and having her in my life in some form or another. 

When I sleep, my dreams destroy the bad memories.

I don’t know if it’s working. I went to bed sad and woke up sadder. Sad is something I can understand. Something I can comprehend. The past two months I’ve felt happy and I couldn’t grasp it. It wasn’t me.


I can feel myself wasting away. I keep losing weight. I’m now down to 155. None of my clothes fit. Food doesn’t appeal to me. I live on coffee and cigarettes. I tried quitting, but I need to cling to something. I stopped looking for a girlfriend or friends for that matter. I have accepted the fact that I will sit in my apartment alone.

Everywhere I look I see happy families, happy couples and happy people. I want to be like that, I do. I yearn to be happy without the feeling hopelessness in the back of my mind. Do these people feel the emotional pain that I have everyday? How do they see all the sadness in the world and ignore it? Do they see this sadness at all?

Everything good that happens to me I fuck up somehow. People talk to me and I don’t know how to react. I take my time in responding and they think I’m an asshole. Some times I don’t know if it’s worth it. If I’m alive this time next year I want one thing. I want to be happy without the guilt.

A short poem

I cen't even remember
the color
of your eyes
even though
when I close mine
You're all I see

Oh don't act suprised, you knew this was coming.

Party 94? 95?




Terrance and Jim and I were bored. It was Saturday night and we had nothing to do. Terrance knew of a party. We decided to go. Turns out, the party was being thrown by Jim’s girlfriends’ mother. She never met him before and the girlfriend was away so it was cool. All the mothers’ friends were gay. We were the only straight people there. They had a lot of booze and food. There was a hot tub in the backyard. Jim almost blew his cover when he said he had to go to the bathroom and stood up and walked in the house. He caught himself and asked where it was.

After awhile we were all pretty drunk. Someone suggested we get in the hot tub. Sure why not? It was a nice night and we were plastered. Some guy sat by me. Whatever, I didn’t care. Everyone knew I wasn’t gay. Mark and Terrance sat by each other. We had been friends with Mark for years so Terrance didn’t mind. Jim was sitting by some big bear. The guy next to me asked for a kiss. What the hell, I’ve never kissed a guy before so I did. Apart from the beard stubble, it was just like kissing a girl. He put his head on my shoulder and we just sat there. I looked towards Terrance and Mark. They were laughing and pointed to where Jim and the bear were. They were making out. Jim’s glasses were all askew, his hands were everywhere. He was lost in the arms of the bear. He was sitting in the bears lap. It looked cute. The guy I was sitting with asked if I wanted to go in and cuddle. I told him I was flattered, but no. He put his head back on my shoulder. He looked up at me and said “James, you’re making me hard.” He took my hand and placed it on his boner. I looked at him and said “Don’t do that.” I took my hand away. I got out of the tub and lit a cigarette. He told me I look sexy when I do that. I decided this was getting out of hand. I told Terrance and Jim it was time to go. Jim was still on the Bears lap. Mark asked for a ride home. The guy that wanted me to molest him asked for my number. Before I could say no Mark gave it to him. We drove back to the hotel and passed out.



A few months later.



I go with Jim to pick up his girlfriend and her friend. We sit in the desert, drinking cheap wine. Jim and his girl are sitting right behind me and start making out. The girlfriends’ friend comes close to me and we start kissing. I feel a hand on my inner thigh. I think wow this chick is into me and I just met her. I realize that one of her hands is on the back of my head and her other hand is on my back. I look to Jim; he’s kissing his girl and looking at me. His hand is on my thigh slowly working its way up. I grab his hand and push it off. I look back at him and shake my head no. We take the girls home. Jim says I was turning him on when he saw me with that girl and that he is starting think he might be gay. I told him that I’m not gay or bi. He looked sad.

Everyone thinks he looks daft.

9:45 AM Sitting on porch listening to music, having a cup of tea.




9:58 AM Friend picks me up for a day trip to Riverside with his girlfriend.



11:10 Am arrive at another friend’s house. I am informed that I will be meeting someone for a lunch “date”. I don’t like surprises of this nature. Fortunately she is a friend and we will remain friends, nothing more.



11:20 Am Friend and girlfriend are in the front seat, I’m in the back. It’s weird seeing both of them so happy. It’s nice but weird.

I’m in Rialto. Nearly everything bad in my life happened here. I have no happy memories of this place. Every house, tree, street sign brings back bad memories. I smoke more when I’m here; I have the urge to drink, when I’m in Rialto, I need a crutch.



We get to our lunch place. I haven’t seen her since ninth grade. She hugs me. It feels awkward, like neither one of us wanted to do it but felt obligated too. I don’t eat. I have no appetite.

Lunch over, she goes to work. She is my mother’s boss. She likes my mom. She doesn’t know her like I know her. I won’t say anything. Why should I ruin her friendship with my mother just because I hate her?

Friend, girlfriend and I get back in the car. We drive to Castle Park. I’m ashamed I don’t have enough money for the admission. “No problem “they say, “We got you covered.” We get in and automatically I regret coming. I shouldn’t be here. This is their date and I’m a third wheel. All day long, friends girlfriend’s ex text and calls her. I grab the phone and calm him down. He later emails me and says thank you for doing that. I feel pretty good for awhile.

When the day is done, we drive home. I start looking through someone’s artwork. It’s amazing. I let her know. She says thanks and in a weird way inspires me to write again. I’m mesmerized for a few minutes. Its weird how two or three lines could inspire you to try again.


Thank you.

Complete nonsense. Writers block sucks.

For Donella, the girl with glasses who puts me in my place.




I haven’t felt like doing this much lately, I mean I want to but when I sit down there is nothing there anymore. I mean how many times can I write about being lonely and sad because she left? It gets boring after awhile. I’m doing a hell of a lot better then I was a few months back. I sort of miss how I was back then. There is a certain comfort in being sad. I didn’t care how I looked when I went to work; I lost a lot of weight because I refused to eat. I lived like a hermit, all hairy and probably smelly. Now I’ve been taking care of myself, cleaning up the apartment, making a half assed attempt at talking to people.

The lithium has really helped a lot. I was against taking it for years, and basically destroyed my marriage because of it. I don’t know if you’ve ever lived with someone who is Bi-polar, but we are not the easiest people to get along with. I’ve been getting out more. I’ve been spending more time with my sister.



See, this is terrible. I shouldn’t have written this.



Cheers,



James

Life has a certian ability of breathing new life into me, so I breath it in.

Despite all the setbacks I’ve had lately, I remain in good spirits. I know something good will happen to me someday. The bad times aren’t all behind me yet. I still think of the ex a lot. Sometimes I wish she’d come back, but I think that’s because I don’t really want to be alone. I spend my time trying to work on some music with a friend, reading and walking around exploring my city.


I’ve slowly started going out. Not dating, just hanging out. I don’t know if I’m ready for dating just yet. I’m not too worried about it. When it happens, it happens. I’ve reconnected with another friend from Jr. High. She is another one that had a crush on me back then. Apparently I was quite the heartthrob back then. Why wasn’t I aware of this? It would have made Jr. High a lot more pleasant.

I haven’t been writing much lately, frankly I haven’t been doing anything worth writing about. The Lithium is still working; I’m not down so much. I’ve lost 75 pounds since she left. I’m feeling good about myself. Hell, I even think I look good. I’ve never thought like that before. I can see my personality changing. I find myself talking to people at work. Not out of necessity, but because I want to. I have more energy, I laugh and smile more.

I am happy.
I am more me

About damn time.