I have never felt so out of my element and so comfortable at the same time. I went to a party. I knew one person. She was busy with hosting duties, so I mostly kept to myself. I made an effort to talk to people and found everyone extremely friendly and interested in who I was and what I do. I turned off my brain and just had a good time for once. I was nervous, but so is everyone when meeting someone new.
My life is changing so drastically now. I’ve met someone who has become very important to me; I’m slowly turning my apartment into a home, I’m eating better and getting some exorcise. Why, because of her. She gave me the kick in the ass I needed. I feel hopeful. I feel good.
I actually feel good about my writing. Hell, I even feel good about myself. I like this feeling. This sense of pride I have when we’re together.
I want to feel this way all of the time.
To the naysayers,
I know you mean well. I know you don’t want me to get hurt. There is a chance things might get weird. I might get hurt. I’ve been hurt before and I’ve bounced back. Stop trying to give me reasons why I shouldn’t be doing this. She makes me happy. I deserve this.
So come on guys, let me have this one.
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Monday, May 10, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
No lampshades on my head.
A party.
Strangers.
Hand shaking
Small talk
Nervousness
New people.
I’m frightened. I don’t know anyone. I will sit in my corner and keep to myself. They are talking to me. I can’t really relate. They have all known each for years. I am an interloper.
They smile at me, laugh at my jokes, but still, are they really or they being nice. I still find it hard to tell the difference.
I try
Lord knows I’m trying.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I ain't no rat.
A lot of my friends are becoming overly concerned with my social life. I know they mean well, and they are just concerned, but it’s becoming rather annoying. So here is all I’m going to say.
Yes, I am dating someone.
Yes, it’s going well.
No, I will not tell you who she is.
No, I will not tell you what we do.
No, I will not tell you if she’s local or not.
No, I will not tell you how often we talk to each other.
No, I wont tell you if we text each other.
No, I won’t tell you if she has a Facebook page to see.
What we do, who she is, and where she lives are between us.
What we do is secret, our secret.
I have told very few people about us, and I plan on keeping it that way.
All you need to know is that I consider myself lucky to have met her. She made me smile again. She believes in me.
Cheers,
James
Yes, I am dating someone.
Yes, it’s going well.
No, I will not tell you who she is.
No, I will not tell you what we do.
No, I will not tell you if she’s local or not.
No, I will not tell you how often we talk to each other.
No, I wont tell you if we text each other.
No, I won’t tell you if she has a Facebook page to see.
What we do, who she is, and where she lives are between us.
What we do is secret, our secret.
I have told very few people about us, and I plan on keeping it that way.
All you need to know is that I consider myself lucky to have met her. She made me smile again. She believes in me.
Cheers,
James
Friday, April 30, 2010
sigh
Despite being somewhat molested by my mother, the beatings and the mental abuse, I don’t hate her. I feel sorry for her.
With the drunkenness and never being there, I don’t hate my father. I miss him
I don’t hate my ex-wife. She’s happy now.
I’m in a good place now. I’m dating someone special. She makes me feel good.
My daughters are growing up into beautiful, intelligent women.
For the first time in years I think I can say I’m happy.
It’s been a long time, and I have to keep telling myself to not let it go to my head.
I remain cautiously optimistic.
I know I’ll be sad again someday, but for now I’m going to enjoy this time of contented happiness.
With the drunkenness and never being there, I don’t hate my father. I miss him
I don’t hate my ex-wife. She’s happy now.
I’m in a good place now. I’m dating someone special. She makes me feel good.
My daughters are growing up into beautiful, intelligent women.
For the first time in years I think I can say I’m happy.
It’s been a long time, and I have to keep telling myself to not let it go to my head.
I remain cautiously optimistic.
I know I’ll be sad again someday, but for now I’m going to enjoy this time of contented happiness.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
60
60 things people have said about me or called me.
1. A walking Wikipedia of useless knowledge.
2. Intelligent but disillusioned.
3. Oblivious
4. Lacks commitment.
5. Stupid
6. Beefcake
7. One of the most cool uncool people.
8. I seem like I’m from New York.
9. Nerd
10. Geek
11. Obsessive
12. Needs constant reassurance
13. No style
14. Looks better in life than in photos.
15. Fat
16. Skinny
17. Lazy
18. Failure
19. Dreamer
20. Distracting
21. Quite
22. Will be a cult hero someday.
23. Too sarcastic
24. Too honest
25. Too punk for the indie kids and too indie for the punk kids
26. Vampire cult leader.
27. Needs direction
28. Needs motivation
29. No ambition
30. Daddy (my favorite)
31. Husband
32. Ex-husband
33. Clumsy
34. Too caring
35. Doesn’t care enough.
36. Scared
37. Too polite
38. Asshole
39. Fag
40. White trash
41. Thief
42. Friend
43. Brother
44. Bi-polar
45. Manic depressive
46. Annoying
47. Ugly
48. Smelly
49. Lackadaisical
50. Cowardly
51. Poor
52. Lucky
53. Strong
54. Tough willed
55. A survivor
56. Inspirational
57. Addictive
58. Uncle
59. Bastard
60. boring
1. A walking Wikipedia of useless knowledge.
2. Intelligent but disillusioned.
3. Oblivious
4. Lacks commitment.
5. Stupid
6. Beefcake
7. One of the most cool uncool people.
8. I seem like I’m from New York.
9. Nerd
10. Geek
11. Obsessive
12. Needs constant reassurance
13. No style
14. Looks better in life than in photos.
15. Fat
16. Skinny
17. Lazy
18. Failure
19. Dreamer
20. Distracting
21. Quite
22. Will be a cult hero someday.
23. Too sarcastic
24. Too honest
25. Too punk for the indie kids and too indie for the punk kids
26. Vampire cult leader.
27. Needs direction
28. Needs motivation
29. No ambition
30. Daddy (my favorite)
31. Husband
32. Ex-husband
33. Clumsy
34. Too caring
35. Doesn’t care enough.
36. Scared
37. Too polite
38. Asshole
39. Fag
40. White trash
41. Thief
42. Friend
43. Brother
44. Bi-polar
45. Manic depressive
46. Annoying
47. Ugly
48. Smelly
49. Lackadaisical
50. Cowardly
51. Poor
52. Lucky
53. Strong
54. Tough willed
55. A survivor
56. Inspirational
57. Addictive
58. Uncle
59. Bastard
60. boring
oh well
I am totally stressing out about money today. I am also in this weird stupid/happy mood. I was up till one this morning worrying about my financial situation. I came to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do about it. At least not right now. Every thing seems to work if you let it. So that’s what I’ll do, let it. I have a roof over my head, a car to get me where I need to go and food in the cupboards. Although honestly, I may not have the roof over my head for much longer.
As for the stupid/happy, I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I missed it. To this person, I say thank you.
As for the stupid/happy, I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I missed it. To this person, I say thank you.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Weekend of death and new life.
Friday night. 04/23/2010
It’s 10:30 at night. I’m dressed in a black button down shirt and black pants. I leave the apartment. On the sidewalk in front of my building someone says “Hey!” I turn towards the voice. There is a flash of light and I’m suddenly falling backwards. I’m on the ground. My chest hurts. I can’t hear anything. I can’t breath, my clothes are wet. Everything’s dim. There are people around me, but I can’t hear what they are saying. I close my eyes.
I woke up after that. I sat up and thought, that was odd, is that how I’ll go? I went to the bathroom, got some water and went back to sleep.
Saturday morning 04/24/2010
I leave the apartment. I have a few errands to run and want to get them done early. I can see a car in the distance as I cross the street to my car. The driver and passenger are looking at the floor. I get to my car and notice they are still looking down and headed straight for me. I don’t have enough time to get in my car. I hug it as they pass by. I feel the back of my jacket being brushed by the car. They hit two parked cars and stop. The driver gets out. He is stoned. He says “Man I dropped my Slurpee.” Notice he didn’t say sorry. The police were called and I gave a report. Both of them were arrested.
Saturday night.
I had an amazing time. And that’s all I’ll say about that.
It’s 10:30 at night. I’m dressed in a black button down shirt and black pants. I leave the apartment. On the sidewalk in front of my building someone says “Hey!” I turn towards the voice. There is a flash of light and I’m suddenly falling backwards. I’m on the ground. My chest hurts. I can’t hear anything. I can’t breath, my clothes are wet. Everything’s dim. There are people around me, but I can’t hear what they are saying. I close my eyes.
I woke up after that. I sat up and thought, that was odd, is that how I’ll go? I went to the bathroom, got some water and went back to sleep.
Saturday morning 04/24/2010
I leave the apartment. I have a few errands to run and want to get them done early. I can see a car in the distance as I cross the street to my car. The driver and passenger are looking at the floor. I get to my car and notice they are still looking down and headed straight for me. I don’t have enough time to get in my car. I hug it as they pass by. I feel the back of my jacket being brushed by the car. They hit two parked cars and stop. The driver gets out. He is stoned. He says “Man I dropped my Slurpee.” Notice he didn’t say sorry. The police were called and I gave a report. Both of them were arrested.
Saturday night.
I had an amazing time. And that’s all I’ll say about that.
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