There is a radio in my head.

Sitting in the hole last night, I heard someone yelling “Faggot ass faggot. Come down here so I can fuck you in the ass like you fucked my woman!” I looked outside and there is some guy yelling this into the sky. He kept repeating this over and over for five minutes. He stopped, turned and walked out of the ally. I love living in the city.




After that I sat wishing I had someone to talk too and hoping this pack of cigarettes last me through the week. I’m not really that sad anymore, just lonely. I have a lot of online friends, but they are just that, online friends. I want to go out again, go on dates with girls, and go see a show with someone. All of my friends live far away and all the girls I know are married or have boyfriends. Sitting there thinking of this, I started to get sad. I’m surrounded by people, but still feel alone. I could make a little more effort to meet people, but something is holding me back.



The truth is I like someone. This will never turn into anything more. She’s married and I won’t try to come between them. I don’t want to wait in the shadows forever, but I can’t help but think if I’m patient maybe someday we could be together. I’m also realistic about it and tell myself it will never happen.



And now, some random facts.



I had a shirt that said “Frankie say Relax. Don’t do it.



I’ve been going to the Long beach grand Prix since 1983. This is the first year I will go alone.



Sometimes when I listen to music, I pretend I’m in the band.



I went on a blind date a few weeks ago, it was horrible.



I am scared of horses.



I hate my job but I keep it because for once in my life I need to stick with something.



There are times were I still miss my ex-wife.



I’ve never had a lap dance.



I get weird mini crushes of random girls I meet.



I kissed a guy once.



I fell down a waterfall.



In the Air Force, I walked in on my roommate masterbaiting. Neither one of ever brought it up again.



I shaved off my beard last night and instantly regretted doing so.



By the time I was 16 I had lived in 11 different cities.

My Bloody Valentine

Got a little sad this weekend, not because of Valentines Day and the fact that I’m newly single, that didn’t really bother me too much. Saturday night I was watching The Simpsons with my girls. The first episode that Dawn and I watched together came on. She was sick and lay in my lap wrapped up in a blanket with her head on my chest. I had my arms wrapped around her and watched the show while smelling her hair. I loved the smell of her hair. I loved the way it tickled my chin. She dozed off giving little contended sighs every now and then. I started thinking of that moment and how happy it made me feel. I started to think that right now she’s probably watching some show cuddling with her boyfriend. I asked Gracie to turn it off and change the DVD. She asked why so I told her. I’m honest with her about this whole thing. She pressed stop and kissed my cheek. We watched a few more episodes and went to bed.




Lithium update:

The Dr. increased my dosage. I told her that I don’t expect to be happy all the time, she asked me to try the new dosage just for awhile. Sure.



Writing update:

Three more rejection letters in the email today, I’ve come to expect them, even look forward to them, the positive aspects of negative thinking.

I’m thinking of doing some spoken word pieces; maybe have my friend play his guitar while I read. Any thoughts?

This ain't no picnic.

In movies the jilted lover always walks away wishing the other person good luck never to be seen or heard from again. That never happens. In reality, he moves into the first apartment he can find. He sits alone for a few weeks with no TV or internet service. His thoughts are all about her, what’s she doing, or more accurately, what are they doing? He stares at the blank walls or pictures of her and the kids knowing it will never be like that again. He thinks about what he should have done differently. He doesn’t eat. The only contact he has with the outside world is when he sits on the porch smoking. He goes back inside when all he see’s are happy couples walking hand in hand down the street.


He watches movies to keep his mind free of the thoughts of her. He dreads going to sleep because his mind races thinking about her. He turns the radio on so he can relax, but every song reminds him of her so he turns it off.

His thought turns to suicide. He can’t take anymore. He’s stuck in this shitty apartment with no furniture sleeping on the floor. He decides he doesn’t want to be alone so he adopts a cat. Something living is better then nothing at all. He starts to take walks around his new neighborhood. The happy couples don’t bother him as much as they did in the beginning. He see’s more weekend dads walking around with their own kids and starts to feel a little less alone. He starts a new hobby, writing. The internet finally gets turned on. The cable gets installed. He starts making new friends online. Some of which become friends in real life. He starts to think less and less of her. Sometimes he still gets sad or angry, but his friends pull him out of it. They greet him with open arms when he visits. He starts to feel wanted and liked again.

For the first time he starts to think about the future, the kids coming to visit, his friends he will see the places he will go. He starts going to a therapist. It feels good to let the problems and thoughts out. He starts thinking maybe this isn’t so bad. He starts thinking maybe I should start dating again. With the thought of suicide gone, he can’t help but feel hopeful about his own future. He has lost a lot of weight, quit smoking and started eating again. He’s still lonely, but it’s not as bad as before. He still thinks of her, but in a different way now. Not so much as his wife who left, but as someone he shares a special bond with that no matter what, will never be broken.

He starts smiling at girls he see’s on his walks through town or the beach. He asks someone out and is turned down and that doesn’t bother him at all. He wakes up with a smile every morning looking forward to the day to come. He starts to think that he is happy now, that the world is his and somewhere out there is that one special girl waiting just for him.

Every time.

Every time, every fucking time, I start to feel better and she says or does something to shatter it and the clouds come back. Today I get a text; it says this is her new phone number. It’s an Orange county number, the county her boyfriend lives in. He added her to his plan. It shouldn’t bother me but it does. I’m not going to Lie, it really fucking bothers me. I still want to smash his face in. I want to let him know that I will not accept him stealing my peacefully.

I won’t do anything of course. That would hurt her and I do not want to hurt her at all. I fucked up, I drove her away ands it’s all my fault anyway so I should just move on.

Fuck, why did I drive her away? Why did I push her to him? I am complete shit and deserve my pain. I deserve every bad thing that happens to me. It’s all my own doing. I brought this on and can not blame her at all.

I'm done
All i'm doing is pissing people off with this.

Out of the darkness. I can see clearly again.

I’m driving to work. My nose starts bleeding, badly. I don't know why. I have blood pouring out of the middle of my face. It's every where. I drive to work steering with one hand while pinching my nose with the other. I get to work and my face and clothes are covered in blood. It looks like I took a savage beating. Despite this, I am in a good mood and feel almost unstoppable today.


I get to see my kids for a couple hours tonight. Saturday afternoon I get to see a couple bands play, Avi Buffalo and The Soft Pack, they are playing 10 different free shows around LA in one day. Saturday night I get to hang out with my friends Shaunna and Sloan, maybe someone else there too, but we aren’t counting on it.

I made a new friend this week, she seems pretty cool. It’s always nice to make new friends. She is going through some trouble similar to what I just went through, so it’s nice to talk to someone who can relate.

Yeah, every thing is looking pretty nice right now. I’m starting to see that silver lining around that cloud.



Have a good, fun, safe weekend everybody. And once again, thanks to everyone. You guys make my life complete.



James

A brief history of amazing letdowns part II

01/25-01-26 2009




So I get home from work on Monday. I check my mail, usual crap, ad’s a bill and what’s this? A notice saying I have a package being held at the Post Office. It requires a signature. I didn’t order anything; I don’t think any of my friends have sent me a surprise, what could it be? All day the 26th I’m at work pondering this mystery package. No one I know admitted sending it. It’s driving me crazy. I can’t stop pondering this box of mystery. 4 o’clock, quitting time, I get in my car leaving my jacket and umbrella on my desk, I’m in a hurry, I have to get to the downtown Long Beach post office before 5. I get there; I pay my 2 bucks for parking a block away. It’s pouring and I remember my jacket and umbrella on my desk. Crap. Oh well, to the package of mystery. I walk in the door and stand in line for another 15 minutes. Finally it’s my turn. I walk to the window, hand the postal clerk my notice. She asks for ID. I give her my drivers license, she says it’ll be a minute and walks into the back. She comes back with a small package that says Mighty Dog on it. She hands me the package. I sign for it. Across the top it says “A week’s supply of puppy food for your new companion!” A fucking dog food sample, I don’t even have a dog. I walked outside in the rain and threw the box in the first dumpster I see. I walk back to my car with Charlie Brown music playing in my head getting soaked by the rain.