Ridgecrest Report Part II

Things overheard and told to me in a Ridgecrest bar.




1. James, you are a good looking guy and could have any woman in this place. Why don’t you. (I rather liked this one.)

My reply. “I’d rather be alone right now.

2. I want to go home and get my crotched licked. Me too. That’s because I told you

how good it feels.

3. That nigger ain’t my president.

4. Don’t I know you? Yeah from Facebook.

5. They need to put up cameras to catch spies.

6. You don’t drink! You’re a pussy.

7. Last time you came over, you left shit in my toilet.

8. Lets go smoke some poo poo. What’s that? Hash.

9. They sell frog balls on 395.

10. You are a sexy bitch. Thanks, but you still need to pay for that drink.

11. Where is George with my weed?

12. I went outside to smoke and some Mexican said I’m hot.

Live from Ridgecrest! It's Saturday night!

I spent the weekend visiting friends and family in Ridgecrest. It was a very manic weekend. It stared out great and went downhill from there. I left Long Beach around 9:30. My first stop was Lancaster to buy a CD. I turned into the parking lot and found my self in the middle of a Tea Party Rally. I’m pretty much the exact opposite of them. In fact, other than being a white guy, we have nothing in common. One old man asked if I was there to support them and handed me a flag. I tried to be polite and declined. He called me a socialist. That’s when I made a huge mistake; I asked” What’s wrong with that?” Instead of giving me a straight answer, he yelled “Communist!” and walked away. I got back in my car and drove away.


I pulled into my grandma’s house around 11:30. The thermometer on the porch reads 105F. Shit, I’m used to my beach weather, foggy and hardly ever goes over 80. I talked to my cousin and his wife for a couple hours. Grandma is getting old and is very hard of hearing and senile. She asked me every ten minutes if I brought pictures of the girls.

After grandma’s, I stop at a bookstore a friend owns. Every time I’m in town I stop in and buy something. She is not there, but and old friend is. She says “You look familiar. Are you Robison?” If you can pronounce my last name correctly, you are a real friend. We talk for a bit and catch up. I give her my number and we promise to keep in touch.

Next stop, A’s house,(I wont be saying any names in this part.) A has a new baby I haven’t seen. The baby is adorable. A and her husband, B tell me that A’s sister, C and her man, D want to meet for dinner. They all know that I don’t eat meat. I ask where dinner is. They say McDonalds. They have to be kidding me right? NO, they are not. I have French fries and an Ice tea.

We go to C and D’s house and visit the new baby they have, adorable as well. B and D go home and stay with the kids and I take A and C out. We get to a bar; it’s really empty and quite. I like that. The music is low and there is a certain dive vibe going on. The later it gets A and C drink more, keeps her composure and acts pretty cool. A gets completely sloppy shitfaced, I tell the Bartender to cut her off. He pretty much ignores me. A keeps telling me she loves me. She’s drunk so I don’t listen.

After last call, it takes half an hour to get her in the car to go home. I drop C of at her place. At this point I’m starving. The only place open is Del Taco. Well a bean burrito is better than nothing I guess. After the drive thru, A keeps trying to kiss me. I tell her to knock it off. She sticks her hand up the leg of my shorts and grabs me. I pulled her hand out. I told her that she is married and that her husband is friend of mine. She sinks back in her seat for a minute. We are driving back to her place and she starts again. I yelled at her to knock the fuck off. She grabbed my steering wheel and yanked. My car slams into a curb, She starts again. If she wasn’t a friend I would have thrown her ass out. I have her get in the back seat. She starts taking of her shirt. I get in the drivers seat and drive her home. She is pissed.

I drag her into her house and point her in the direction of her room. I go to the guest room, locked the door and tried to sleep.

I got up the next morning and go to back to grandmas. I hang out with my cousin and grandma. That we sat on the porch swing and watch the silent fireworks in the distance.

I stop to meet my friend Amanda in Mojave for an impromptu visit. I haven’t seen her in years. That short visit was awesome.

I also have to give a special shout out to my very close friend Bonnie who kept me from going insane this entire weekend. Bonnie, if it wasn’t for your constant texting, I wouldn’t have made it though this weekend. I love you, thank you for keeping me sane.



Cheers,



James.

That joke wasn't funny

Last night another friend and I decided to play a joke on our friends. We told them all that we were now a couple. I immediately realized that it was a bad idea. All my friends started writing, texting and calling me with congratulations and best wishes. They were all so happy for me, I felt like a dick knowing that I was going to have to tell them it was a joke.


As for her, we talked and played up the couple thing with each other. Something popped in my head. I liked her. Much more then I have any right too. There is no possible way we could ever get together and be more then just friends.

She is pretty much the exact opposite of me, which is a good thing. So, today I will try to keep those thoughts out of my head.



Too my friends, sorry for the bad joke, next time it will be real.

It wouldn't mean shit

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I’ve changed in the past nine months. I lost 70 pounds, become more active, going out, making friends and even dated someone for a short time. I talk more openly about myself. I started writing my thoughts and feelings down. I’ve even come to terms with my past.


I still miss Dawn, I even still love her. The missing will subside, but I will always love her, she was a big part of my life and we will always have a special bond. It’s not romantic love that went away long ago.

I am learning to be alone. Sometimes I like it. Sure it would be nice to sit on the couch and watch a movie with someone, have someone to share my bed. That will happen eventually, but until then I will enjoy my single status.

I’m still not comfortable in my own skin, but that’s getting better. I won’t apologize for myself. I’m moody, bi-polar and I still don’t like being in crowds of people I don’t know. That’s just me. I would apologize, but it wouldn’t mean shit.

Misery loves company. So take my hand.

Contrary to popular belief, she is not the catalyst for my latest round of depression. The truth is, she helped me. When I was down she made me smile. She took my hand and made it all go away. I became very codependent and looked to her to cheer me up. That was a huge mistake. I’m not saying she was a mistake. Depending on her for my own happiness was a mistake. I need to be able to do that myself.


It was really cool being able to say I was seeing such an amazing, beautiful and caring person. When she was with me I felt alive. We are still going to see each other, just not as a couple. We will have play dates for the kids and just hang out sometimes. Yeah it’ll be weird for awhile knowing that at one time I could just reach and hold her or kiss, but I’m fine with that. The awkward feelings will subside someday, and we will be friends. I love her and I just like the idea that I will have her in my life in some capacity.

Back to the depression, it’s been something that I’ve dealt with since I was a kid. I go up and I go down, but I always rebound. This time is a little different. I went down further then I ever have before and it scared the hell out of me. I will never hurt myself; I would never do that to my kids. They will always have their daddy. I have this great group of friends that love and care for me. Every one of them has called or visited to let me know just that. I am loved, and I fucking love them for that.

I will get better. I won’t always be this low, but I deal with it. I accept it.



Cheers,

James

Down with the bass.

My friend Debbie is down from Oregon visiting her family. She came over to my place last night for dinner.  After dinner she told me to pick up my bass and play something for her. I didn’t want to; I haven’t touched it in months. I finally did. It was cool. I played for till my fingers cramped up. It felt good. I’m slowly getting my life back to how it used to be.

Alone again

The hand I’ve been talking about holding?


Gone

The girl I’ve mentioned that made me feel so happy and scared at the same time?

Gone

The feeling of being comfortable and happy?

Gone



Last night she called and said she can’t see me romantically, but wants to keep seeing me as a friend.

I was mad at first. I calmed down. I had a feeling something was wrong for the past couple weeks anyway. This morning it hit me, FUCK, I am alone again. I loved her. I’m not mad at her. Just sad. I thought we were good for each other. We helped each other out in a rough time, and for awhile, we made each other smile. I wont forget her. She meant a lot to me in the short time we were together.



No more good morning text

No more goodnight phone calls

I am alone again.

It really couldn’t be any other way.



I hope she finds what she needs. I still think the world of her.



I love you

I didn’t mean it

I’ve changed my mind already

Because I knew something was wrong



I have no one to blame for this but myself. I let myself get close when I knew I shouldn’t



Goodbye,



I’m going to miss us.



James