I am... in a world... of Shit

01/14/2009




Kind of a down day, just dwelling on the past, something I told myself I wouldn’t do any more. It’s hard not to think about today. One of the last concerts we went to was a guy named Jay Reatard. He died yesterday. I spent last night thinking about the show, how we argued about something stupid. It was my fault, it always was. I hated being in public and took it out on her. I almost always spoil what could be an amazing time together. I keep looking back at all the times she wanted me to go somewhere with her and I said no. I should have gone. I should have enjoyed my time with her, but no I had to be selfish and want my time for me. Now that I am alone all the time I realize how special those times could have been, and I just threw them away. She loved me and I stomped on her love till it went away. I have no one to blame in this mess but myself.



Early days.



My aunt and uncle were slobs. My parents would make me stay with them when I was a kid. There was dog and cat shit in the carpet, human shit on the bathroom floor. Dirty diapers were everywhere. Flies, maggots and roaches infested the place. All of the dishes were piled in the sink. The kid’s rooms smelled like piss. We ate meals on dirty plates. We drank out of old vegetable cans. I had to sleep on the couch that was covered with animal hair and strange smelling stains.

My aunt and uncle wouldn’t do anything but lines of speed and fuck all day. The kids were horrible, they stunk. None of them ever took baths and wore the same clothes for days. I don’t think any of them even owned a pair of shoes. The toilets were always backed up and spilling over. I went to the bathroom out side if I had to go.

For three days straight I only ate canned peaches. I didn’t feel safe eating anything else at the house. I would open the can and just slurp them down. I was locked out of the house once with my cousin. She was hungry and started crying. I banged on the door, but no one let us in. She took off her diaper and started eating her shit. I kicked the door, screaming for someone to let us in. We sat there for an hour, me freaking out crying and my cousin covered in shit.

My aunt finally answered the door and yelled at me for letting my cousin do that to herself. I went inside and was spanked. I had to clean up my cousin and spend the rest of the day in the corner.