You said it's time to leave the planet.

I’ve been listening to a lot of old blues records lately. The soul and passion of those old musicians gets to me. It has feeling, it has depth. Most music today feels shallow and empty.


I went Saturday night with my friend Carlos to see a band called National Treasure. Very good indie rock in the vein of Claw Hammer, who I really miss and wish, would start playing again. Carlos is a friend of the singer/guitarist Ted and we chatted a bit after the show. He told me he has the same sweater I was wearing, so there you go, instant indie rock cred. Ted doesn’t have any fingers on his right hand, just a thumb. This doesn’t stop him from playing, in fact he was amazing. The whole band was really. They were loud, distorted and sloppy, just how I like it. Ted wailed about waking up dead and the coming meat revolution. National Treasure restored my faith in the underground, go see them if you get a chance.

Sunday was supposed to be my wedding anniversary; in a sense it still was I guess since the divorce isn’t final yet. I didn’t celebrate, I didn’t call her. I didn’t write her a letter or anything. I’m just letting her go on with her life. Instead I went exploring in my apartment building. There is a basement there that I never went into. I walked in and saw a laundry room. I’ve been going to the Laundromat every Sunday for four months and could have been doing it at home for half the money. Seems like that would have been something to tell me when I moved in.

After my adventure to the basement, I tried to check my email. My internet was down. I called tech support four different times and was hung up on each time. The fifth time I actually talked to someone. After an hour of talking to the person they decided they couldn’t do anything for me. She told me to give it a day or so and it might come back on and hung up. I called back and spent another hour on the phone trying to fix the problem. The tech told me they will dispatch someone to come and try to fix the problem, on February 13th. During that time I will continue to be billed.

With nothing else to do, I took a walk. It was nice out and as usual, all my cares drifted away the moment I put my headphones on and walked out the front door.

Happy Anniversary, I think I'll do laundry.

This is the first weekend in awhile that I don’t have any plans. There were a few things I was thinking of doing, but I decided to just hang out at home. This is the weekend of our anniversary. We decided to get married on a whim after knowing each other for a month. We drove to Vegas and got married at 6:40 am. I’m not staying home because of that, I’m staying so I can do my laundry and straighten up the place. That will kill about two hours. The rest of the time I will just veg. I don’t feel sad about it. I don’t really know how I feel about it. I’m just whatever about the whole thing. Moving on is interesting, and the possibilities that I have for the future are amazing.
I take that back, I do have something to Sunday. A friend recommended a movie to watch. I shall.




Yesterday I was told by my friend Shaunna, “Girls can tell.” I don’t know what it means. I asked my sister and was told “She’s right.” That didn’t help much. I’ll never know I guess.

Here's a song by Spoon.
 

Written In Reverse - Spoon

More bitching and moaning.

It’s kind of a glum day. It’s cloudy and cold. I spent the drive into work thinking about my situation. A friend of mine asked if I was actually happy in my marriage, the answer is sometimes. But if I wasn’t happy all the time, why am I so sad now? Is it because after all this time, I am alone? Am I just used to having someone around? It’s the stupid crap I miss the most. Eating dinner and I look up; she gives me a little smile. Going to a movie and she lays her head on my shoulder, or we are watching something funny on TV and she would look my way to see if I’m laughing too.


I’m not saying that I’m not happy now. I am at times. I think about it a lot less then I used too. It’s natural to think about things like this. We were together along time and there a lot of memories. I’m making new memories now. Not replacing them, not forgetting but moving on and away from us. I stopped thinking in terms of us awhile ago. Now it’s you and me. No longer together, but separate.

Someone Great

One of the reasons I considered stopping this is gone. Petty jealousy destroys friendships. I’m sorry if my life seems better then yours, but you are the one who put yourself in the position you are in. You have only yourself to blame. No one is holding you back. Nothing is going to change for you unless you do it yourself. I will miss you, but maybe we need a break. I’ve decided to keep writing, I’m not going to let some people hold me back.




I spent this weekend with my kids. We went to my sister’s house. We spent the weekend scanning old pictures into her computer. It was strange looking at those pictures seeing the progression of a happy family into complete hell. There were a lot of pictures of my childhood. They stopped at age 10. It’s like I disappeared after I turned 10. My sister told me that none of the people mom works with even know she has a son. She stopped telling people about me after she threw me out at 15. It’s a strange feeling knowing that you are being wiped out of someone’s memory.



On the drive home I was playing some mix cd I made. Someone Great by LCD Soundsystem came on. I mentioned that it was a sad song. Gracie asked me what it was about. I told her I think it’s about loosing a great love and being sad that no one seems to know how sad you are and that everything in the world keeps going normally and that makes you sadder. You feel the world and everything in it should be sad too, but it’s not. You are alone in your sadness. I stopped telling her about the song, tears welled up in my eyes. Gracie started crying. I was crying. I put my sunglasses on so she wouldn’t see her dad cry. I reached back to her and grabbed her knee. I told her not to worry, that everything is better now and that I love her and her sister and that I am not going anywhere. After the little crying session I felt better. I guess I need to do that.



On a good note, I found out that I was the fabled cool older brother with good music taste. Apparently my sister’s friends liked me. They thought I was good looking and had an awesome music collection. I don’t know about good looking, but I still have an awesome music collection.

And that's all she wrote. So long everyone.

I had to take a drug test at work because of my weight loss. I lost a lot of weight and have more energy then I did before, so I must be doing drugs.


I woke up in a bad mood. I had a bad night. It happens whenever the kids come over. I start thinking about her and everything. It’s weird now though, it’s not so much love and missing, but anger and jealousy. I don’t like feeling that way. I’d rather be sad then angry and jealous. I don’t even know what I’m jealous of, how quickly she moved on, the fact that this seemed so easy for her? What is it? I guess that’s part of dealing with a loss.

I think I’m getting over it. I think I’ve come along way since this started.





I think I’m drying up. I don’t want to write this anymore. It’s become a chore. It’s not fun anymore. I was stupid to think I could do this everyday. I was bound to loose interest in it like I do with everything I start.



So long everyone.

Thanks for reading.

I am... in a world... of Shit

01/14/2009




Kind of a down day, just dwelling on the past, something I told myself I wouldn’t do any more. It’s hard not to think about today. One of the last concerts we went to was a guy named Jay Reatard. He died yesterday. I spent last night thinking about the show, how we argued about something stupid. It was my fault, it always was. I hated being in public and took it out on her. I almost always spoil what could be an amazing time together. I keep looking back at all the times she wanted me to go somewhere with her and I said no. I should have gone. I should have enjoyed my time with her, but no I had to be selfish and want my time for me. Now that I am alone all the time I realize how special those times could have been, and I just threw them away. She loved me and I stomped on her love till it went away. I have no one to blame in this mess but myself.



Early days.



My aunt and uncle were slobs. My parents would make me stay with them when I was a kid. There was dog and cat shit in the carpet, human shit on the bathroom floor. Dirty diapers were everywhere. Flies, maggots and roaches infested the place. All of the dishes were piled in the sink. The kid’s rooms smelled like piss. We ate meals on dirty plates. We drank out of old vegetable cans. I had to sleep on the couch that was covered with animal hair and strange smelling stains.

My aunt and uncle wouldn’t do anything but lines of speed and fuck all day. The kids were horrible, they stunk. None of them ever took baths and wore the same clothes for days. I don’t think any of them even owned a pair of shoes. The toilets were always backed up and spilling over. I went to the bathroom out side if I had to go.

For three days straight I only ate canned peaches. I didn’t feel safe eating anything else at the house. I would open the can and just slurp them down. I was locked out of the house once with my cousin. She was hungry and started crying. I banged on the door, but no one let us in. She took off her diaper and started eating her shit. I kicked the door, screaming for someone to let us in. We sat there for an hour, me freaking out crying and my cousin covered in shit.

My aunt finally answered the door and yelled at me for letting my cousin do that to herself. I went inside and was spanked. I had to clean up my cousin and spend the rest of the day in the corner.

A quick note.

This is a note I wrote to myself.

I’ve been dealing with being Bipolar for years. I have been ashamed about it. The stigma of having a mental illness was too much. I have a history of mental illness and suicide in my family. My father, aunt and uncle have committed suicide. All three were Bipolar. My mother is Bipolar; so far my sister was spared. I’ve been through some sad times and suicidal thoughts lately. With my family history I decided I need to get some help. I called my insurance company and told them what was going on and asked what I could do. They were extremely helpful and connected me to a nurse who asked a few questions about my family history and listened as I told her everything. She gave the phone numbers and websites of some suicide help centers she asked if she needed to call the police or an ambulance for me and if I was going to kill myself that night. I assured her that I would not be doing that. After she was certain I wouldn’t hurt myself, she connected me back to the insurance company. They gave me a list of mental health clinics and therapist in my area. I called a few and was able to see a therapist the weekend. After talking for an hour, she said I am a classic bipolar case. The therapist suggested I see a Dr. about meds. I went to see the doctor. She asked me questions for an hour. She told me I should try taking Lithium. I was apprehensive at first, but went ahead and started taking it. Three months later I feel fine. No more ups and downs, no more sitting in my apartment in the dark. I started a blog that I pour my feelings and thoughts into. After re-reading through it, I notice an upswing in my mood a few days after starting the lithium. And that feels good.

The good days out number the bad now.

Keep it that way.