It wouldn't mean shit

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I’ve changed in the past nine months. I lost 70 pounds, become more active, going out, making friends and even dated someone for a short time. I talk more openly about myself. I started writing my thoughts and feelings down. I’ve even come to terms with my past.


I still miss Dawn, I even still love her. The missing will subside, but I will always love her, she was a big part of my life and we will always have a special bond. It’s not romantic love that went away long ago.

I am learning to be alone. Sometimes I like it. Sure it would be nice to sit on the couch and watch a movie with someone, have someone to share my bed. That will happen eventually, but until then I will enjoy my single status.

I’m still not comfortable in my own skin, but that’s getting better. I won’t apologize for myself. I’m moody, bi-polar and I still don’t like being in crowds of people I don’t know. That’s just me. I would apologize, but it wouldn’t mean shit.

Misery loves company. So take my hand.

Contrary to popular belief, she is not the catalyst for my latest round of depression. The truth is, she helped me. When I was down she made me smile. She took my hand and made it all go away. I became very codependent and looked to her to cheer me up. That was a huge mistake. I’m not saying she was a mistake. Depending on her for my own happiness was a mistake. I need to be able to do that myself.


It was really cool being able to say I was seeing such an amazing, beautiful and caring person. When she was with me I felt alive. We are still going to see each other, just not as a couple. We will have play dates for the kids and just hang out sometimes. Yeah it’ll be weird for awhile knowing that at one time I could just reach and hold her or kiss, but I’m fine with that. The awkward feelings will subside someday, and we will be friends. I love her and I just like the idea that I will have her in my life in some capacity.

Back to the depression, it’s been something that I’ve dealt with since I was a kid. I go up and I go down, but I always rebound. This time is a little different. I went down further then I ever have before and it scared the hell out of me. I will never hurt myself; I would never do that to my kids. They will always have their daddy. I have this great group of friends that love and care for me. Every one of them has called or visited to let me know just that. I am loved, and I fucking love them for that.

I will get better. I won’t always be this low, but I deal with it. I accept it.



Cheers,

James

Down with the bass.

My friend Debbie is down from Oregon visiting her family. She came over to my place last night for dinner.  After dinner she told me to pick up my bass and play something for her. I didn’t want to; I haven’t touched it in months. I finally did. It was cool. I played for till my fingers cramped up. It felt good. I’m slowly getting my life back to how it used to be.

Alone again

The hand I’ve been talking about holding?


Gone

The girl I’ve mentioned that made me feel so happy and scared at the same time?

Gone

The feeling of being comfortable and happy?

Gone



Last night she called and said she can’t see me romantically, but wants to keep seeing me as a friend.

I was mad at first. I calmed down. I had a feeling something was wrong for the past couple weeks anyway. This morning it hit me, FUCK, I am alone again. I loved her. I’m not mad at her. Just sad. I thought we were good for each other. We helped each other out in a rough time, and for awhile, we made each other smile. I wont forget her. She meant a lot to me in the short time we were together.



No more good morning text

No more goodnight phone calls

I am alone again.

It really couldn’t be any other way.



I hope she finds what she needs. I still think the world of her.



I love you

I didn’t mean it

I’ve changed my mind already

Because I knew something was wrong



I have no one to blame for this but myself. I let myself get close when I knew I shouldn’t



Goodbye,



I’m going to miss us.



James

It'll be alight...

One thing I’ve learned about myself is I will survive. With two broken marriages, drunken abusive parents, homelessness, prison, drugs, depression and failure, I’ve survived it all. I’m still here. Sometimes I don’t want to be, but here I am. I’ve put up with a lot in my life. I like to tell myself it just makes me stronger that it builds my character. I’m fooling myself. Sometimes I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the walk through the tunnel is so long. The light keeps moving further away with each step I take.


Sometimes I think is it even worth it? Of course it is, but where is my payoff? Where’s my prize? I have a lot of friends, I see them and they all seem so happy and well adjusted. How do they do it? How did they end up where they are? How can I do that? I’m scared a lot. I don’t know what’s coming next and it worries me. I’m scared to let myself get close to someone. I don’t want to be hurt. I just want to hold her hand. I want to feel normal whatever that is.



I’ve been carrying around my fathers suicide note with me since he died. It’s always in my backpack. I take my backpack everywhere I go. I can’t seem to get rid of the note. I read it often. I wonder why there isn’t a single mention of me in it.

Dawn said it perfectly to me a few days ago. I am the only thing stopping me from being happy." I don't know why I won't let myself be happy, but I just won't.

Update

I relented and had the cable turned on. I felt bad for the girls when they visit. Welcome to dads, watch nothing and do nothing. It’s only 50 bucks a month and I’m sure I can cut some corners and pay it.

The girl I’m seeing is visiting friends far away and I miss her terribly. Sometimes I think I might be pushing her away by always wanting to see her, but I know I’m just reading into things that aren’t really there. That’s me though, who can blame me for wanting to see her?

The depression is getting better. I no longer dread the day when I wake up. I don’t exactly look forward to it, but I don’t dread it either. I still don’t feel like my apartment is a home. It’s more like a transitional space I’m in. A living purgatory.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t need to be with somebody. The missing sucks, but it’s also kind of cool. I’ve never given myself the chance to miss someone before. It’s all new to me. She accepted me into her family, my kids and all. So that tells me that my worries are for nothing.

Yes, I love her.

3

Day three


Of my head spinning

Day three

Of no sleep

Day three

Of living on cigarettes and coffee

Day three

Of wondering what the fuck is going on with my life

Day three

Of pushing people away

Day three

Of trying to pinpoint my downfall

Day three

Of telling myself that it will it will get better

Day three

Of realizing love hurts

Day three

Of looking at my friends like they are strangers

Day three

Of wanting it all to go away

Day three

Of missing her

Day three

Of wishing I wasn’t so damn codependent

Day three

Of staring into the darkness of my home

Day three

Of waiting for the light to appear again



I can’t sleep. It’s been days. I went out and bought a thick memory foam mattress pad thing that might help. It didn’t, the bed is softer, but I still can’t close my eyes. I was up all night with horrible stomach pains. They would come and go. Each time they came it was like a getting hit with a hammer in my gut. This has happened before. My doctor told me they were from stress. What the hell do I have to be stressed about? I have a roof over my head. I have a job. I have two amazing kids who love me. I’m seeing someone that makes me feel like a complete person again.



Maybe this is just how I’m supposed to be.

Distraction

I need a lot of distraction lately. There is always a movie playing in the dvd player even if I’m not watching it. I need the noise. I need something to focus on. I can’t read. My mind is going a million miles an hour. I’m happy when I’m with her, I’m happy when I talk to my friends. On my days off, if I’m not at her house I drive around aimlessly. I go window shopping. I walk for miles trying not to think.

I’m at this weird stage in my life where I don’t really know what I want. Two failed marriages, two kids who I don’t see that often. When I do see them I feel like we’ve grown apart. They are with their mom and her new man, and they are trying to be a family now. I can understand that. I wish Dawn and Rob nothing but happiness. I hope their family works out better then ours did.

When the girls are here I don’t know what to do with them. They are getting older so the fun stuff we did when they were kids doesn’t quite work any more. They say they are having fun, but really how much fun can it be to sit in this place every other weekend? I sit here seven days a week and I can tell you, it sucks.

You say “Go out and do something James.” That’s pretty easy when you have extra money. I do not. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girls and cherish the time we have together. I just don’t want them to drift away any further.

Which brings me back to here we don’t see each other very often. She is a very busy person. We may only spend a few hours a week together when we can squeeze in the time, but when she sees me and smiles, it makes it al worthwhile. Sure I wish we could spend more time together, but I’m sensible. She has work to do. I don’t hold it against her. She’s doing the best she can and I’m deliriously happy for the time we do have together.

Someday we will be able to spend more time together. Someday I won’t feel like everyone in my life is drifting away. Someday I won’t feel guilty for absolutely everything in my life.

Cheers,

James

End

I started going through boxes of my father’s paperwork. I want to find out what happened. I want to know why he killed himself. I don’t think I ever will. Suicide is hard thing to understand. I’ve tried it myself a few times, never actually knowing why I wanted to do it so badly.




I came across his note. Now you may think I’m a bastard for doing this, but I am going to reprint his letter here. I think his last words should be heard. He wasn’t a bad guy, just sick. Forgive the spelling errors. I’m assuming Martha was his girlfriend. Shawnee is my sister, he spelled her name wrong, but that doesn’t matter.





Martha,



I am sorry to have found myself in this position, but, then I chose to be where my most fond memories are and have been.



Your desk in at my house, and the keys are on the key chain left here on the kitchen counter, also your $100 .00 that I owe you,



Thank you for your caring and support during our time together and I do that the right person comes for you to fulfill your happiness



As for me, it was a wonderful fulfilling time, things just got in the way, of my happiness, and none of it was your fault



I know mom is taken care of, and my grandbabies are in good hands, even if Shawnee is having some upset but she is strong and will do well



As I know the Ans, shall when she is happy and hopefully you also



Today is just another walk in the park in life, and life continues for many, but my time has ended, maybe I will come back a blue jay



My Love



Larry





And that’s it.

I Dreamed I Dream

I spent the night talking to my father. I know, that’s impossible, he’s been dead almost four years now. It was a dream. I was waiting on the porch of a rundown house in Colton California. A tanker truck had overturned a block away and the sky was orange. I tried the door, it was open. I went inside and sat down. I recognized some of the things in the house. It was filled with things that belonged to my father that I threw out after he died. I stayed on the couch and turned on the TV. Every channel was the same, the overturned tanker and the fire. I went to the kitchen to get some water.

I sat back down and noticed my father was sitting across from me. He said I seem to be a little off lately. He asked if I had any problems I might need help with. Before I could answer he held up his hand. He said “She’s just like us, give her time and space. Nobody brings you into their family unless you mean something to them.” He stood up and walked away. I didn’t see him leave, but he wasn’t there.

I was alone for awhile.

Old friends started showing up. Everyone told me that the flames were getting closer and that I should leave. I didn’t want to. It was comfortable in that house. I was connected with my past in the house. It was my past, but everything bad from it was gone. There were pictures of the happy times covering the walls. I wanted to stay, but I knew I couldn’t. I stayed warm and happy for as long as I could.

The flames were closer. They started climbing the back wall of the house. All the happy memories went up in flames.

That’s fine.

The past couple months I have been busy making new ones.  

Knives

I was told that I have changed since Dawn and I broke up. I have changed. I’d like to think I’ve changed for the better. Some people do not like it. They can’t accept the face that I am happier now, more content. I accept my place in life. I am with someone who amazes me each day. She is helping me become a better person. With her help I am beginning to see that I am worth something, that I matter. She believes in me. I miss her when I’m not around her. I have never missed anyone like this before.


I’m really sorry that you can’t just be happy for me. I do not want to be surrounded by darkness and miserable people. I want this happy contented feeling to last as long as it can. I feel like you are trying to drag me down into sadness again, and I will not allow you to do that.



Last night I dreamt about the knives again.

I stabbed myself in the chest. I stabbed my heart. I sat on the couch and watched my body die. I smoked while I bled to death on my mattress. Two days passed and my phone rang. I couldn’t answer it. Three days and my phone rang constantly. Day four it stopped. It was another 10 days before someone knocked on my door. I watched my body decompose. I watched the flies and maggots eating my body. Five more days and the police opened the door with the manager of my apartment. I walked past the police and paramedics and out the door. There was the brightest light I had ever seen. I walked down to the beach. I sat on the sand for a day or two. I stood up and walked into the ocean.