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I need a lot of distraction lately. There is always a movie playing in the dvd player even if I’m not watching it. I need the noise. I need something to focus on. I can’t read. My mind is going a million miles an hour. I’m happy when I’m with her, I’m happy when I talk to my friends. On my days off, if I’m not at her house I drive around aimlessly. I go window shopping. I walk for miles trying not to think.
I’m at this weird stage in my life where I don’t really know what I want. Two failed marriages, two kids who I don’t see that often. When I do see them I feel like we’ve grown apart. They are with their mom and her new man, and they are trying to be a family now. I can understand that. I wish Dawn and Rob nothing but happiness. I hope their family works out better then ours did.
When the girls are here I don’t know what to do with them. They are getting older so the fun stuff we did when they were kids doesn’t quite work any more. They say they are having fun, but really how much fun can it be to sit in this place every other weekend? I sit here seven days a week and I can tell you, it sucks.
You say “Go out and do something James.” That’s pretty easy when you have extra money. I do not. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girls and cherish the time we have together. I just don’t want them to drift away any further.
Which brings me back to here we don’t see each other very often. She is a very busy person. We may only spend a few hours a week together when we can squeeze in the time, but when she sees me and smiles, it makes it al worthwhile. Sure I wish we could spend more time together, but I’m sensible. She has work to do. I don’t hold it against her. She’s doing the best she can and I’m deliriously happy for the time we do have together.
Someday we will be able to spend more time together. Someday I won’t feel like everyone in my life is drifting away. Someday I won’t feel guilty for absolutely everything in my life.
Cheers,
James
2 comments:
Children just want to be around their parents, don't feel like you have to pull out a dog and pony show. Being there is what they really want...I've seen the resentment of an absentee father. My oldest refuses to talk to his "biological father" IF and when he decides to get in touch.
You may push, you may recede, but you have some pretty patient friends who care about you.
She has made your light brighter, be patient and you will be rewarded ;)
My humble interpretation:
I find it interesting how people move in, out, and through our lives creating a matrix of connections that weave through time and space.
The people within your circle at any given point in time are made to share that experience with you...to learn lessons from you...to take you through the experiences you need in order to move toward your higher self.
The one common thread that holds it all together....LOVE.... and lucky for us we have been gifted with experts on the subject...the ones who take selflessly, the ones who give endlessly, the ones who forgive readily, the ones who are blind to prejudice and most grateful for the smallest things...you know the ones...
THE CHILDREN
~EMBRACE~ the children...
ultimately they have only one goal...to feel loved...
And that comes FREE of charge my friend
~Yay!~
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