The 1978 fruit basket (How to ruin your parents coke party)

My friend Hal told how to make a fruit basket. " Bend over and stuff your balls between your legs." He also told me what a brown eye was.

My mom and dad were having a typical 1978 coke and disco party. I was in my room practicing my tricks. When i felt I had perfected both feats I walked out into the living room naked. I shoved my junk between my legs and bent over. i spread my ass cheeks apart and yelled " Hey! Brown eye everyone!" The room was silent except for the music.

I sat like that for about 30 seconds before my dad started laughing. My mom started apologizing to all her friends saying how embarrassed she was. One of their friends said "Verne's going to be a real swinger when he's older. I better keep him away from my daughter!"

Laughter

I took a bow and went back to my room. My dad came in drunk off his ass and gave me half his beer. He told me how funny I was.

I was so proud.

The next morning I went to the bathroom and tripped over my dad. He was passed out hugging the toilet bowl. My mom was nude on the living room couch. I poured myself some cereal and watched cartoons.

No one ever mentioned it to me again.

Things I need to survive in my new neighborhood.

1. An amazing sense of entitlement.
2. A healthy dose of white guilt.
3. An obscenely skinny photographer girlfriend who takes black and white pictures of gate latches.
4. A fixed gear bike.
5. Ironic facial hair.
6. Oversized vintage glasses.
7. Carry a record bag everywhere I go.
8. Roll my own cigarettes.
9. Acquire a taste for PBR.
10. A medical marijuana card.
11. A hybrid vehicle.
12. A Vespa scooter with many mirrors.
13. A hatred of hipster scum even though I am a hipster and was doing it way before it was cool.
14. Pointless nostalgia for the unremembered 1980’s.
15. A non-corporate coffee house to sit in and write my screenplay on my mac for hours on end.
16. Skinny jeans.
17. A tight hoodie zipped all the way up.
18. Eat food that has never cast a shadow, but still have a burger now and then in secret to stay healthy.
19. A girl best friend with two different hair colors.
20. A cute puppy. Preferably of the toy variety.
21. Some sort of hemp clothing.
22.  Converse.
23. A trust fund and a day job at a vintage clothing store, you know for the discount.
24. Realize that everyone I know is more relevant than everyone you know.
25. An awesome record collection.
26. A pipe, cigars are so passé.
27. A cassette player.

Cheers,

James

Vacation

I’m on vacation this week. I found a new apartment. Then I got bored. I decided to post a personal ad on craigslist. I didn't really do it looking for love, I just wanted to see who would respond.

These are the responses and photos I received.

Hey, hot stuff! How goes it? Staying out of trouble? I hope not. I need to borrow you for a time, please. I am a giving woman who is completely wasted on a dead relationship. Been married five years, and the last three I may as well have been divorced. I have these completely arousing dreams that leave me soaked and breathless - and still alone, and unsatisfied. If you could just meet me for a margarita or two, and then host? I'd show you how being the recipient of some undying gratitude can make it all worthwhile. Send some photos in response please! Have a great day.

Hey whats up interested in getting together?lemme know

Hi so what are you lookin for in a girl?

I read your ad and was kinda wondering. Do you dig cooky flicks? I wish to go, but I need to have a guy's leg to dig my nails into. I adore to go clubbing and use the time to get acquainted. I work night shift so I can work around that, or I've weekends off likewise. Generally I am casual, but I can do a necessarily mean dress-up. So whichever functions for you, sweet cheeks message me back

I am just messaging to yer Cragslist posting to see if you're real Message me and well get together

we should definitely meetup sometime...
if youre interested of course :) 
a couple things i should set straight though: 
1 we use condoms
2 you join a dating site that I belong to for my safety
secureflirt 
no worries though its free and my numbers on there so hit me up again when you get this thanks
Steph 

I liked your ad on the Craigslist site.  I thought maybe we could talk.
I am not looking for anything serious just some ( sorry to be blunt ) GOOD sex and a drink or two.
Contact me soon and we can set something up. 

26 yr previous females here searching for many white colored military men to hang around with and have some fun. 

Hey Babe,

How are you? 
The weekend is almost here and I think we should spend it the right way!
Hope you're actually feeling the same way I am.... Hope you are ready to meet and enjoy each other.
I wasn't sure if anyone on craigs were actually real but I am gettin a bunch of responses.
Just hard to tell who is legit and who isn't.

I guess we both want to meet up to share lotsa fun but I've really gotta be cautious about who I meet up with, 
specially because I dont really know who is honest on here. I look at dating exactly like I go about sex....safely. 

Better off being protected, cause who knows what and who is out there.
So heres your invite: www.hottestpassions.com/W432456y52
Its not another dating website.
It only has genuine peoples phone numbers.
Plus, doesnt cost anything, which is a plus because Im a little low on cash at the moment.
My cell number is listed on the site so give me a call or send a message.
Id like it if you called me cause hearing your voice will be a much hotter. Lets get something set up.

I'm soooo horny right now because it's been almost 4 weeks since I've had sex so 
I hope to hear from you real soon. Get my phone number and Give me a call. 

Talk to ya soon,

XOXO,
Clarissa

Sent via Blackberry by Verizon
---------------------

I saw your add on Cl and I am interested and intrigued.
I just dont have much luck finding the right guy in my usual group of friends. Thats why Ive decided to try and contact you.
If you are real could you please email me back, I'm very intrested in you.

Hardly getting over it.

Something is not letting me get over Dawn. I want to, I think. It’s almost been a year and I just can’t move on. I still love her and think of her constantly. For twelve and a half years she was at my side. Towards the end we both drifted away, one of us more than the other. She was my wife, my friend, everything to me. I let my stupid overly analytical brain get in the way and fucked it all up.


I dated one person for a bit, had a fling with someone else and even had a platonic boyfriend/girlfriend with someone just so neither one of us felt alone for a night. I have a lot of friends, who are women, and the attention is nice, but I’m still stuck thinking about her.

I know we’ll never be together again, so what the hell is the problem?



Maybe I just don’t want to get over her. Maybe I want the ghost of her love to follow me around forever.



And that just sucks.

Stop bitching about the weather. It's July, it's supposed to be hot.

Let’s clear up a few things.


I am not depressed from my last dating partner leaving. I’m bummed because she’s moving. Not depressed. She brought me into her family and made me feel comfortable. I will miss her because I liked talking to her and hanging out with her kids. I am still a little sad because of my divorce. 12 years is a long time to just get over with and move on.



The truth is I’m fine. I feel disconnected because that’s just who I am.



Let’s move on.



More things I’ve been called recently.



A placebo

Surrogate

Platonic boyfriend

Therapist

Distraction

Replacement

Loving

Caring

Warm

Nice



Basically I’m a mental prostitute. I’m cool with that.

Disconnected

Lately I have been wondering who I am what I’m doing, what is it I’m looking for? I feel disconnected from myself and others. My mind wanders in thousands of directions. It’s like I’m looking at a map with no roads, paths or geographical landmarks.


Today I had to run an errand for work. I wanted to keep driving and not ever go back. Just wander till I found whatever the hell it is I’m looking for.

I think I’ve spent too much time by myself. I need to find someone, someone to occupy my mind. That’s also a problem. When I’m talking to someone my mind drifts away to the point where I feel like neither one of us is even there. I hate that feeling.

The only girl I dated is moving far away. That makes me a little sad. I’ll never see her again. At least I can think someone for a short time loved me.

One more week in my life down.

I’m going on my third week of not seeing my kids. They are with their mom and her man on vacation. I miss them. They keep me grounded. Even if we don’t do much when they visit, I like just having them around me. This is the longest they have been away from me in years. They are getting older, and have birthdays and slumber parties sometimes on my weekends. Soon they might just decide they just don’t feel like it that weekend, and opt to stay home. I hope that’s never the case, but I’m realistic. There were time growing up when I didn’t want to go to dad’s. Honestly though, I don’t think it mattered to him anyway. Even when I would visit, he’d spend his time away so I’d be alone in his house in a strange place for the weekend.




This is my first weekend as a 100% single man. What am I doing to celebrate? Sit at home and watch TV. I don’t feel like going out much anymore these days. Not out of depression or anything, it’s just what’s the point? I can spend money going out by myself or I can save the money for gas or food.



I’m also looking for a new apartment, something cheaper, with better parking. I probably won’t be staying in Long Beach, a place I’ve called home for 8 years now. It’ll be weird leaving it, but shit, so much has changed for me the past year what’s one more?



Speaking of change, I was offered a transfer to Palmdale. I would be running the place, and receive a substantial raise. I was set to take it. Then a friend talked some sense into me. If I take the job, I would hardly ever see my kids anymore. The money would have been great, but ultimately my chicks need me more than I need the money.



Have a great weekend everyone.



James

Ridgecrest Report Part II

Things overheard and told to me in a Ridgecrest bar.




1. James, you are a good looking guy and could have any woman in this place. Why don’t you. (I rather liked this one.)

My reply. “I’d rather be alone right now.

2. I want to go home and get my crotched licked. Me too. That’s because I told you

how good it feels.

3. That nigger ain’t my president.

4. Don’t I know you? Yeah from Facebook.

5. They need to put up cameras to catch spies.

6. You don’t drink! You’re a pussy.

7. Last time you came over, you left shit in my toilet.

8. Lets go smoke some poo poo. What’s that? Hash.

9. They sell frog balls on 395.

10. You are a sexy bitch. Thanks, but you still need to pay for that drink.

11. Where is George with my weed?

12. I went outside to smoke and some Mexican said I’m hot.

Live from Ridgecrest! It's Saturday night!

I spent the weekend visiting friends and family in Ridgecrest. It was a very manic weekend. It stared out great and went downhill from there. I left Long Beach around 9:30. My first stop was Lancaster to buy a CD. I turned into the parking lot and found my self in the middle of a Tea Party Rally. I’m pretty much the exact opposite of them. In fact, other than being a white guy, we have nothing in common. One old man asked if I was there to support them and handed me a flag. I tried to be polite and declined. He called me a socialist. That’s when I made a huge mistake; I asked” What’s wrong with that?” Instead of giving me a straight answer, he yelled “Communist!” and walked away. I got back in my car and drove away.


I pulled into my grandma’s house around 11:30. The thermometer on the porch reads 105F. Shit, I’m used to my beach weather, foggy and hardly ever goes over 80. I talked to my cousin and his wife for a couple hours. Grandma is getting old and is very hard of hearing and senile. She asked me every ten minutes if I brought pictures of the girls.

After grandma’s, I stop at a bookstore a friend owns. Every time I’m in town I stop in and buy something. She is not there, but and old friend is. She says “You look familiar. Are you Robison?” If you can pronounce my last name correctly, you are a real friend. We talk for a bit and catch up. I give her my number and we promise to keep in touch.

Next stop, A’s house,(I wont be saying any names in this part.) A has a new baby I haven’t seen. The baby is adorable. A and her husband, B tell me that A’s sister, C and her man, D want to meet for dinner. They all know that I don’t eat meat. I ask where dinner is. They say McDonalds. They have to be kidding me right? NO, they are not. I have French fries and an Ice tea.

We go to C and D’s house and visit the new baby they have, adorable as well. B and D go home and stay with the kids and I take A and C out. We get to a bar; it’s really empty and quite. I like that. The music is low and there is a certain dive vibe going on. The later it gets A and C drink more, keeps her composure and acts pretty cool. A gets completely sloppy shitfaced, I tell the Bartender to cut her off. He pretty much ignores me. A keeps telling me she loves me. She’s drunk so I don’t listen.

After last call, it takes half an hour to get her in the car to go home. I drop C of at her place. At this point I’m starving. The only place open is Del Taco. Well a bean burrito is better than nothing I guess. After the drive thru, A keeps trying to kiss me. I tell her to knock it off. She sticks her hand up the leg of my shorts and grabs me. I pulled her hand out. I told her that she is married and that her husband is friend of mine. She sinks back in her seat for a minute. We are driving back to her place and she starts again. I yelled at her to knock the fuck off. She grabbed my steering wheel and yanked. My car slams into a curb, She starts again. If she wasn’t a friend I would have thrown her ass out. I have her get in the back seat. She starts taking of her shirt. I get in the drivers seat and drive her home. She is pissed.

I drag her into her house and point her in the direction of her room. I go to the guest room, locked the door and tried to sleep.

I got up the next morning and go to back to grandmas. I hang out with my cousin and grandma. That we sat on the porch swing and watch the silent fireworks in the distance.

I stop to meet my friend Amanda in Mojave for an impromptu visit. I haven’t seen her in years. That short visit was awesome.

I also have to give a special shout out to my very close friend Bonnie who kept me from going insane this entire weekend. Bonnie, if it wasn’t for your constant texting, I wouldn’t have made it though this weekend. I love you, thank you for keeping me sane.



Cheers,



James.

That joke wasn't funny

Last night another friend and I decided to play a joke on our friends. We told them all that we were now a couple. I immediately realized that it was a bad idea. All my friends started writing, texting and calling me with congratulations and best wishes. They were all so happy for me, I felt like a dick knowing that I was going to have to tell them it was a joke.


As for her, we talked and played up the couple thing with each other. Something popped in my head. I liked her. Much more then I have any right too. There is no possible way we could ever get together and be more then just friends.

She is pretty much the exact opposite of me, which is a good thing. So, today I will try to keep those thoughts out of my head.



Too my friends, sorry for the bad joke, next time it will be real.

It wouldn't mean shit

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I’ve changed in the past nine months. I lost 70 pounds, become more active, going out, making friends and even dated someone for a short time. I talk more openly about myself. I started writing my thoughts and feelings down. I’ve even come to terms with my past.


I still miss Dawn, I even still love her. The missing will subside, but I will always love her, she was a big part of my life and we will always have a special bond. It’s not romantic love that went away long ago.

I am learning to be alone. Sometimes I like it. Sure it would be nice to sit on the couch and watch a movie with someone, have someone to share my bed. That will happen eventually, but until then I will enjoy my single status.

I’m still not comfortable in my own skin, but that’s getting better. I won’t apologize for myself. I’m moody, bi-polar and I still don’t like being in crowds of people I don’t know. That’s just me. I would apologize, but it wouldn’t mean shit.

Misery loves company. So take my hand.

Contrary to popular belief, she is not the catalyst for my latest round of depression. The truth is, she helped me. When I was down she made me smile. She took my hand and made it all go away. I became very codependent and looked to her to cheer me up. That was a huge mistake. I’m not saying she was a mistake. Depending on her for my own happiness was a mistake. I need to be able to do that myself.


It was really cool being able to say I was seeing such an amazing, beautiful and caring person. When she was with me I felt alive. We are still going to see each other, just not as a couple. We will have play dates for the kids and just hang out sometimes. Yeah it’ll be weird for awhile knowing that at one time I could just reach and hold her or kiss, but I’m fine with that. The awkward feelings will subside someday, and we will be friends. I love her and I just like the idea that I will have her in my life in some capacity.

Back to the depression, it’s been something that I’ve dealt with since I was a kid. I go up and I go down, but I always rebound. This time is a little different. I went down further then I ever have before and it scared the hell out of me. I will never hurt myself; I would never do that to my kids. They will always have their daddy. I have this great group of friends that love and care for me. Every one of them has called or visited to let me know just that. I am loved, and I fucking love them for that.

I will get better. I won’t always be this low, but I deal with it. I accept it.



Cheers,

James

Down with the bass.

My friend Debbie is down from Oregon visiting her family. She came over to my place last night for dinner.  After dinner she told me to pick up my bass and play something for her. I didn’t want to; I haven’t touched it in months. I finally did. It was cool. I played for till my fingers cramped up. It felt good. I’m slowly getting my life back to how it used to be.

Alone again

The hand I’ve been talking about holding?


Gone

The girl I’ve mentioned that made me feel so happy and scared at the same time?

Gone

The feeling of being comfortable and happy?

Gone



Last night she called and said she can’t see me romantically, but wants to keep seeing me as a friend.

I was mad at first. I calmed down. I had a feeling something was wrong for the past couple weeks anyway. This morning it hit me, FUCK, I am alone again. I loved her. I’m not mad at her. Just sad. I thought we were good for each other. We helped each other out in a rough time, and for awhile, we made each other smile. I wont forget her. She meant a lot to me in the short time we were together.



No more good morning text

No more goodnight phone calls

I am alone again.

It really couldn’t be any other way.



I hope she finds what she needs. I still think the world of her.



I love you

I didn’t mean it

I’ve changed my mind already

Because I knew something was wrong



I have no one to blame for this but myself. I let myself get close when I knew I shouldn’t



Goodbye,



I’m going to miss us.



James

It'll be alight...

One thing I’ve learned about myself is I will survive. With two broken marriages, drunken abusive parents, homelessness, prison, drugs, depression and failure, I’ve survived it all. I’m still here. Sometimes I don’t want to be, but here I am. I’ve put up with a lot in my life. I like to tell myself it just makes me stronger that it builds my character. I’m fooling myself. Sometimes I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the walk through the tunnel is so long. The light keeps moving further away with each step I take.


Sometimes I think is it even worth it? Of course it is, but where is my payoff? Where’s my prize? I have a lot of friends, I see them and they all seem so happy and well adjusted. How do they do it? How did they end up where they are? How can I do that? I’m scared a lot. I don’t know what’s coming next and it worries me. I’m scared to let myself get close to someone. I don’t want to be hurt. I just want to hold her hand. I want to feel normal whatever that is.



I’ve been carrying around my fathers suicide note with me since he died. It’s always in my backpack. I take my backpack everywhere I go. I can’t seem to get rid of the note. I read it often. I wonder why there isn’t a single mention of me in it.

Dawn said it perfectly to me a few days ago. I am the only thing stopping me from being happy." I don't know why I won't let myself be happy, but I just won't.

Update

I relented and had the cable turned on. I felt bad for the girls when they visit. Welcome to dads, watch nothing and do nothing. It’s only 50 bucks a month and I’m sure I can cut some corners and pay it.

The girl I’m seeing is visiting friends far away and I miss her terribly. Sometimes I think I might be pushing her away by always wanting to see her, but I know I’m just reading into things that aren’t really there. That’s me though, who can blame me for wanting to see her?

The depression is getting better. I no longer dread the day when I wake up. I don’t exactly look forward to it, but I don’t dread it either. I still don’t feel like my apartment is a home. It’s more like a transitional space I’m in. A living purgatory.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t need to be with somebody. The missing sucks, but it’s also kind of cool. I’ve never given myself the chance to miss someone before. It’s all new to me. She accepted me into her family, my kids and all. So that tells me that my worries are for nothing.

Yes, I love her.

3

Day three


Of my head spinning

Day three

Of no sleep

Day three

Of living on cigarettes and coffee

Day three

Of wondering what the fuck is going on with my life

Day three

Of pushing people away

Day three

Of trying to pinpoint my downfall

Day three

Of telling myself that it will it will get better

Day three

Of realizing love hurts

Day three

Of looking at my friends like they are strangers

Day three

Of wanting it all to go away

Day three

Of missing her

Day three

Of wishing I wasn’t so damn codependent

Day three

Of staring into the darkness of my home

Day three

Of waiting for the light to appear again



I can’t sleep. It’s been days. I went out and bought a thick memory foam mattress pad thing that might help. It didn’t, the bed is softer, but I still can’t close my eyes. I was up all night with horrible stomach pains. They would come and go. Each time they came it was like a getting hit with a hammer in my gut. This has happened before. My doctor told me they were from stress. What the hell do I have to be stressed about? I have a roof over my head. I have a job. I have two amazing kids who love me. I’m seeing someone that makes me feel like a complete person again.



Maybe this is just how I’m supposed to be.

Distraction

I need a lot of distraction lately. There is always a movie playing in the dvd player even if I’m not watching it. I need the noise. I need something to focus on. I can’t read. My mind is going a million miles an hour. I’m happy when I’m with her, I’m happy when I talk to my friends. On my days off, if I’m not at her house I drive around aimlessly. I go window shopping. I walk for miles trying not to think.

I’m at this weird stage in my life where I don’t really know what I want. Two failed marriages, two kids who I don’t see that often. When I do see them I feel like we’ve grown apart. They are with their mom and her new man, and they are trying to be a family now. I can understand that. I wish Dawn and Rob nothing but happiness. I hope their family works out better then ours did.

When the girls are here I don’t know what to do with them. They are getting older so the fun stuff we did when they were kids doesn’t quite work any more. They say they are having fun, but really how much fun can it be to sit in this place every other weekend? I sit here seven days a week and I can tell you, it sucks.

You say “Go out and do something James.” That’s pretty easy when you have extra money. I do not. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girls and cherish the time we have together. I just don’t want them to drift away any further.

Which brings me back to here we don’t see each other very often. She is a very busy person. We may only spend a few hours a week together when we can squeeze in the time, but when she sees me and smiles, it makes it al worthwhile. Sure I wish we could spend more time together, but I’m sensible. She has work to do. I don’t hold it against her. She’s doing the best she can and I’m deliriously happy for the time we do have together.

Someday we will be able to spend more time together. Someday I won’t feel like everyone in my life is drifting away. Someday I won’t feel guilty for absolutely everything in my life.

Cheers,

James

End

I started going through boxes of my father’s paperwork. I want to find out what happened. I want to know why he killed himself. I don’t think I ever will. Suicide is hard thing to understand. I’ve tried it myself a few times, never actually knowing why I wanted to do it so badly.




I came across his note. Now you may think I’m a bastard for doing this, but I am going to reprint his letter here. I think his last words should be heard. He wasn’t a bad guy, just sick. Forgive the spelling errors. I’m assuming Martha was his girlfriend. Shawnee is my sister, he spelled her name wrong, but that doesn’t matter.





Martha,



I am sorry to have found myself in this position, but, then I chose to be where my most fond memories are and have been.



Your desk in at my house, and the keys are on the key chain left here on the kitchen counter, also your $100 .00 that I owe you,



Thank you for your caring and support during our time together and I do that the right person comes for you to fulfill your happiness



As for me, it was a wonderful fulfilling time, things just got in the way, of my happiness, and none of it was your fault



I know mom is taken care of, and my grandbabies are in good hands, even if Shawnee is having some upset but she is strong and will do well



As I know the Ans, shall when she is happy and hopefully you also



Today is just another walk in the park in life, and life continues for many, but my time has ended, maybe I will come back a blue jay



My Love



Larry





And that’s it.

I Dreamed I Dream

I spent the night talking to my father. I know, that’s impossible, he’s been dead almost four years now. It was a dream. I was waiting on the porch of a rundown house in Colton California. A tanker truck had overturned a block away and the sky was orange. I tried the door, it was open. I went inside and sat down. I recognized some of the things in the house. It was filled with things that belonged to my father that I threw out after he died. I stayed on the couch and turned on the TV. Every channel was the same, the overturned tanker and the fire. I went to the kitchen to get some water.

I sat back down and noticed my father was sitting across from me. He said I seem to be a little off lately. He asked if I had any problems I might need help with. Before I could answer he held up his hand. He said “She’s just like us, give her time and space. Nobody brings you into their family unless you mean something to them.” He stood up and walked away. I didn’t see him leave, but he wasn’t there.

I was alone for awhile.

Old friends started showing up. Everyone told me that the flames were getting closer and that I should leave. I didn’t want to. It was comfortable in that house. I was connected with my past in the house. It was my past, but everything bad from it was gone. There were pictures of the happy times covering the walls. I wanted to stay, but I knew I couldn’t. I stayed warm and happy for as long as I could.

The flames were closer. They started climbing the back wall of the house. All the happy memories went up in flames.

That’s fine.

The past couple months I have been busy making new ones.