Friday, June 25, 2010

Misery loves company. So take my hand.

Contrary to popular belief, she is not the catalyst for my latest round of depression. The truth is, she helped me. When I was down she made me smile. She took my hand and made it all go away. I became very codependent and looked to her to cheer me up. That was a huge mistake. I’m not saying she was a mistake. Depending on her for my own happiness was a mistake. I need to be able to do that myself.


It was really cool being able to say I was seeing such an amazing, beautiful and caring person. When she was with me I felt alive. We are still going to see each other, just not as a couple. We will have play dates for the kids and just hang out sometimes. Yeah it’ll be weird for awhile knowing that at one time I could just reach and hold her or kiss, but I’m fine with that. The awkward feelings will subside someday, and we will be friends. I love her and I just like the idea that I will have her in my life in some capacity.

Back to the depression, it’s been something that I’ve dealt with since I was a kid. I go up and I go down, but I always rebound. This time is a little different. I went down further then I ever have before and it scared the hell out of me. I will never hurt myself; I would never do that to my kids. They will always have their daddy. I have this great group of friends that love and care for me. Every one of them has called or visited to let me know just that. I am loved, and I fucking love them for that.

I will get better. I won’t always be this low, but I deal with it. I accept it.



Cheers,

James

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