Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The 1978 fruit basket (How to ruin your parents coke party)

My friend Hal told how to make a fruit basket. " Bend over and stuff your balls between your legs." He also told me what a brown eye was.

My mom and dad were having a typical 1978 coke and disco party. I was in my room practicing my tricks. When i felt I had perfected both feats I walked out into the living room naked. I shoved my junk between my legs and bent over. i spread my ass cheeks apart and yelled " Hey! Brown eye everyone!" The room was silent except for the music.

I sat like that for about 30 seconds before my dad started laughing. My mom started apologizing to all her friends saying how embarrassed she was. One of their friends said "Verne's going to be a real swinger when he's older. I better keep him away from my daughter!"


I took a bow and went back to my room. My dad came in drunk off his ass and gave me half his beer. He told me how funny I was.

I was so proud.

The next morning I went to the bathroom and tripped over my dad. He was passed out hugging the toilet bowl. My mom was nude on the living room couch. I poured myself some cereal and watched cartoons.

No one ever mentioned it to me again.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Things I need to survive in my new neighborhood.

  1. An amazing sense of entitlement.
  2. A healthy dose of white guilt.
  3. An obscenely skinny photographer girlfriend who takes black and white pictures of gate latches.
  4. A fixed gear bike.
  5. Ironic facial hair.
  6. Oversized vintage glasses.
  7. Carry a record bag everywhere I go.
  8. Roll my own cigarettes.
  9. Acquire a taste for PBR.
  10. A medical marijuana card.
  11. A hybrid vehicle.
  12. A Vespa scooter with many mirrors.
  13. A hatred of hipster scum even though I am a hipster and was doing it way before it was cool.
  14. Pointless nostalgia for the unremembered 1980’s.
  15. A non-corporate coffee house to sit in and write my screenplay on my mac for hours on end.
  16. Skinny jeans.
  17. A tight hoodie zipped all the way up.
  18. Eat food that has never cast a shadow, but still have a burger now and then in secret to stay healthy.
  19. A girl best friend with two different hair colors.
  20. A cute puppy. Preferably of the toy variety.
  21. Some sort of hemp clothing.
  22.  Converse.
  23. A trust fund and a day job at a vintage clothing store, you know for the discount.
  24. Realize that everyone I know is more relevant than everyone you know.
  25. An awesome record collection.
  26. A pipe, cigars are so passé.
  27. A cassette player.


Friday, September 17, 2010


I’m on vacation this week. I found a new apartment. Then I got bored. I decided to post a personal ad on craigslist. I didn't really do it looking for love, I just wanted to see who would respond.

These are the responses and photos I received.

Hey, hot stuff! How goes it? Staying out of trouble? I hope not. I need to borrow you for a time, please. I am a giving woman who is completely wasted on a dead relationship. Been married five years, and the last three I may as well have been divorced. I have these completely arousing dreams that leave me soaked and breathless - and still alone, and unsatisfied. If you could just meet me for a margarita or two, and then host? I'd show you how being the recipient of some undying gratitude can make it all worthwhile. Send some photos in response please! Have a great day.

Hey whats up interested in getting together?lemme know

Hi so what are you lookin for in a girl?

I read your ad and was kinda wondering. Do you dig cooky flicks? I wish to go, but I need to have a guy's leg to dig my nails into. I adore to go clubbing and use the time to get acquainted. I work night shift so I can work around that, or I've weekends off likewise. Generally I am casual, but I can do a necessarily mean dress-up. So whichever functions for you, sweet cheeks message me back

I am just messaging to yer Cragslist posting to see if you're real Message me and well get together

we should definitely meetup sometime...
if youre interested of course :) 
a couple things i should set straight though: 
1 we use condoms
2 you join a dating site that I belong to for my safety
no worries though its free and my numbers on there so hit me up again when you get this thanks

I liked your ad on the Craigslist site.  I thought maybe we could talk.
I am not looking for anything serious just some ( sorry to be blunt ) GOOD sex and a drink or two.
Contact me soon and we can set something up. 

26 yr previous females here searching for many white colored military men to hang around with and have some fun. 

Hey Babe,

How are you? 
The weekend is almost here and I think we should spend it the right way!
Hope you're actually feeling the same way I am.... Hope you are ready to meet and enjoy each other.
I wasn't sure if anyone on craigs were actually real but I am gettin a bunch of responses.
Just hard to tell who is legit and who isn't.

I guess we both want to meet up to share lotsa fun but I've really gotta be cautious about who I meet up with, 
specially because I dont really know who is honest on here. I look at dating exactly like I go about sex....safely. 

Better off being protected, cause who knows what and who is out there.
So heres your invite:
Its not another dating website.
It only has genuine peoples phone numbers.
Plus, doesnt cost anything, which is a plus because Im a little low on cash at the moment.
My cell number is listed on the site so give me a call or send a message.
Id like it if you called me cause hearing your voice will be a much hotter. Lets get something set up.

I'm soooo horny right now because it's been almost 4 weeks since I've had sex so 
I hope to hear from you real soon. Get my phone number and Give me a call. 

Talk to ya soon,


Sent via Blackberry by Verizon

I saw your add on Cl and I am interested and intrigued.
I just dont have much luck finding the right guy in my usual group of friends. Thats why Ive decided to try and contact you.
If you are real could you please email me back, I'm very intrested in you.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Hardly getting over it.

Something is not letting me get over Dawn. I want to, I think. It’s almost been a year and I just can’t move on. I still love her and think of her constantly. For twelve and a half years she was at my side. Towards the end we both drifted away, one of us more than the other. She was my wife, my friend, everything to me. I let my stupid overly analytical brain get in the way and fucked it all up.

I dated one person for a bit, had a fling with someone else and even had a platonic boyfriend/girlfriend with someone just so neither one of us felt alone for a night. I have a lot of friends, who are women, and the attention is nice, but I’m still stuck thinking about her.

I know we’ll never be together again, so what the hell is the problem?

Maybe I just don’t want to get over her. Maybe I want the ghost of her love to follow me around forever.

And that just sucks.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Stop bitching about the weather. It's July, it's supposed to be hot.

Let’s clear up a few things.

I am not depressed from my last dating partner leaving. I’m bummed because she’s moving. Not depressed. She brought me into her family and made me feel comfortable. I will miss her because I liked talking to her and hanging out with her kids. I am still a little sad because of my divorce. 12 years is a long time to just get over with and move on.

The truth is I’m fine. I feel disconnected because that’s just who I am.

Let’s move on.

More things I’ve been called recently.

A placebo


Platonic boyfriend








Basically I’m a mental prostitute. I’m cool with that.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Lately I have been wondering who I am what I’m doing, what is it I’m looking for? I feel disconnected from myself and others. My mind wanders in thousands of directions. It’s like I’m looking at a map with no roads, paths or geographical landmarks.

Today I had to run an errand for work. I wanted to keep driving and not ever go back. Just wander till I found whatever the hell it is I’m looking for.

I think I’ve spent too much time by myself. I need to find someone, someone to occupy my mind. That’s also a problem. When I’m talking to someone my mind drifts away to the point where I feel like neither one of us is even there. I hate that feeling.

The only girl I dated is moving far away. That makes me a little sad. I’ll never see her again. At least I can think someone for a short time loved me.

Friday, July 9, 2010

One more week in my life down.

I’m going on my third week of not seeing my kids. They are with their mom and her man on vacation. I miss them. They keep me grounded. Even if we don’t do much when they visit, I like just having them around me. This is the longest they have been away from me in years. They are getting older, and have birthdays and slumber parties sometimes on my weekends. Soon they might just decide they just don’t feel like it that weekend, and opt to stay home. I hope that’s never the case, but I’m realistic. There were time growing up when I didn’t want to go to dad’s. Honestly though, I don’t think it mattered to him anyway. Even when I would visit, he’d spend his time away so I’d be alone in his house in a strange place for the weekend.

This is my first weekend as a 100% single man. What am I doing to celebrate? Sit at home and watch TV. I don’t feel like going out much anymore these days. Not out of depression or anything, it’s just what’s the point? I can spend money going out by myself or I can save the money for gas or food.

I’m also looking for a new apartment, something cheaper, with better parking. I probably won’t be staying in Long Beach, a place I’ve called home for 8 years now. It’ll be weird leaving it, but shit, so much has changed for me the past year what’s one more?

Speaking of change, I was offered a transfer to Palmdale. I would be running the place, and receive a substantial raise. I was set to take it. Then a friend talked some sense into me. If I take the job, I would hardly ever see my kids anymore. The money would have been great, but ultimately my chicks need me more than I need the money.

Have a great weekend everyone.