Things I need to survive in my new neighborhood.

1. An amazing sense of entitlement.
2. A healthy dose of white guilt.
3. An obscenely skinny photographer girlfriend who takes black and white pictures of gate latches.
4. A fixed gear bike.
5. Ironic facial hair.
6. Oversized vintage glasses.
7. Carry a record bag everywhere I go.
8. Roll my own cigarettes.
9. Acquire a taste for PBR.
10. A medical marijuana card.
11. A hybrid vehicle.
12. A Vespa scooter with many mirrors.
13. A hatred of hipster scum even though I am a hipster and was doing it way before it was cool.
14. Pointless nostalgia for the unremembered 1980’s.
15. A non-corporate coffee house to sit in and write my screenplay on my mac for hours on end.
16. Skinny jeans.
17. A tight hoodie zipped all the way up.
18. Eat food that has never cast a shadow, but still have a burger now and then in secret to stay healthy.
19. A girl best friend with two different hair colors.
20. A cute puppy. Preferably of the toy variety.
21. Some sort of hemp clothing.
22.  Converse.
23. A trust fund and a day job at a vintage clothing store, you know for the discount.
24. Realize that everyone I know is more relevant than everyone you know.
25. An awesome record collection.
26. A pipe, cigars are so passé.
27. A cassette player.

Cheers,

James

Vacation

I’m on vacation this week. I found a new apartment. Then I got bored. I decided to post a personal ad on craigslist. I didn't really do it looking for love, I just wanted to see who would respond.

These are the responses and photos I received.

Hey, hot stuff! How goes it? Staying out of trouble? I hope not. I need to borrow you for a time, please. I am a giving woman who is completely wasted on a dead relationship. Been married five years, and the last three I may as well have been divorced. I have these completely arousing dreams that leave me soaked and breathless - and still alone, and unsatisfied. If you could just meet me for a margarita or two, and then host? I'd show you how being the recipient of some undying gratitude can make it all worthwhile. Send some photos in response please! Have a great day.

Hey whats up interested in getting together?lemme know

Hi so what are you lookin for in a girl?

I read your ad and was kinda wondering. Do you dig cooky flicks? I wish to go, but I need to have a guy's leg to dig my nails into. I adore to go clubbing and use the time to get acquainted. I work night shift so I can work around that, or I've weekends off likewise. Generally I am casual, but I can do a necessarily mean dress-up. So whichever functions for you, sweet cheeks message me back

I am just messaging to yer Cragslist posting to see if you're real Message me and well get together

we should definitely meetup sometime...
if youre interested of course :) 
a couple things i should set straight though: 
1 we use condoms
2 you join a dating site that I belong to for my safety
secureflirt 
no worries though its free and my numbers on there so hit me up again when you get this thanks
Steph 

I liked your ad on the Craigslist site.  I thought maybe we could talk.
I am not looking for anything serious just some ( sorry to be blunt ) GOOD sex and a drink or two.
Contact me soon and we can set something up. 

26 yr previous females here searching for many white colored military men to hang around with and have some fun. 

Hey Babe,

How are you? 
The weekend is almost here and I think we should spend it the right way!
Hope you're actually feeling the same way I am.... Hope you are ready to meet and enjoy each other.
I wasn't sure if anyone on craigs were actually real but I am gettin a bunch of responses.
Just hard to tell who is legit and who isn't.

I guess we both want to meet up to share lotsa fun but I've really gotta be cautious about who I meet up with, 
specially because I dont really know who is honest on here. I look at dating exactly like I go about sex....safely. 

Better off being protected, cause who knows what and who is out there.
So heres your invite: www.hottestpassions.com/W432456y52
Its not another dating website.
It only has genuine peoples phone numbers.
Plus, doesnt cost anything, which is a plus because Im a little low on cash at the moment.
My cell number is listed on the site so give me a call or send a message.
Id like it if you called me cause hearing your voice will be a much hotter. Lets get something set up.

I'm soooo horny right now because it's been almost 4 weeks since I've had sex so 
I hope to hear from you real soon. Get my phone number and Give me a call. 

Talk to ya soon,

XOXO,
Clarissa

Sent via Blackberry by Verizon
---------------------

I saw your add on Cl and I am interested and intrigued.
I just dont have much luck finding the right guy in my usual group of friends. Thats why Ive decided to try and contact you.
If you are real could you please email me back, I'm very intrested in you.

Hardly getting over it.

Something is not letting me get over Dawn. I want to, I think. It’s almost been a year and I just can’t move on. I still love her and think of her constantly. For twelve and a half years she was at my side. Towards the end we both drifted away, one of us more than the other. She was my wife, my friend, everything to me. I let my stupid overly analytical brain get in the way and fucked it all up.


I dated one person for a bit, had a fling with someone else and even had a platonic boyfriend/girlfriend with someone just so neither one of us felt alone for a night. I have a lot of friends, who are women, and the attention is nice, but I’m still stuck thinking about her.

I know we’ll never be together again, so what the hell is the problem?



Maybe I just don’t want to get over her. Maybe I want the ghost of her love to follow me around forever.



And that just sucks.

Stop bitching about the weather. It's July, it's supposed to be hot.

Let’s clear up a few things.


I am not depressed from my last dating partner leaving. I’m bummed because she’s moving. Not depressed. She brought me into her family and made me feel comfortable. I will miss her because I liked talking to her and hanging out with her kids. I am still a little sad because of my divorce. 12 years is a long time to just get over with and move on.



The truth is I’m fine. I feel disconnected because that’s just who I am.



Let’s move on.



More things I’ve been called recently.



A placebo

Surrogate

Platonic boyfriend

Therapist

Distraction

Replacement

Loving

Caring

Warm

Nice



Basically I’m a mental prostitute. I’m cool with that.

Disconnected

Lately I have been wondering who I am what I’m doing, what is it I’m looking for? I feel disconnected from myself and others. My mind wanders in thousands of directions. It’s like I’m looking at a map with no roads, paths or geographical landmarks.


Today I had to run an errand for work. I wanted to keep driving and not ever go back. Just wander till I found whatever the hell it is I’m looking for.

I think I’ve spent too much time by myself. I need to find someone, someone to occupy my mind. That’s also a problem. When I’m talking to someone my mind drifts away to the point where I feel like neither one of us is even there. I hate that feeling.

The only girl I dated is moving far away. That makes me a little sad. I’ll never see her again. At least I can think someone for a short time loved me.

One more week in my life down.

I’m going on my third week of not seeing my kids. They are with their mom and her man on vacation. I miss them. They keep me grounded. Even if we don’t do much when they visit, I like just having them around me. This is the longest they have been away from me in years. They are getting older, and have birthdays and slumber parties sometimes on my weekends. Soon they might just decide they just don’t feel like it that weekend, and opt to stay home. I hope that’s never the case, but I’m realistic. There were time growing up when I didn’t want to go to dad’s. Honestly though, I don’t think it mattered to him anyway. Even when I would visit, he’d spend his time away so I’d be alone in his house in a strange place for the weekend.




This is my first weekend as a 100% single man. What am I doing to celebrate? Sit at home and watch TV. I don’t feel like going out much anymore these days. Not out of depression or anything, it’s just what’s the point? I can spend money going out by myself or I can save the money for gas or food.



I’m also looking for a new apartment, something cheaper, with better parking. I probably won’t be staying in Long Beach, a place I’ve called home for 8 years now. It’ll be weird leaving it, but shit, so much has changed for me the past year what’s one more?



Speaking of change, I was offered a transfer to Palmdale. I would be running the place, and receive a substantial raise. I was set to take it. Then a friend talked some sense into me. If I take the job, I would hardly ever see my kids anymore. The money would have been great, but ultimately my chicks need me more than I need the money.



Have a great weekend everyone.



James

Ridgecrest Report Part II

Things overheard and told to me in a Ridgecrest bar.




1. James, you are a good looking guy and could have any woman in this place. Why don’t you. (I rather liked this one.)

My reply. “I’d rather be alone right now.

2. I want to go home and get my crotched licked. Me too. That’s because I told you

how good it feels.

3. That nigger ain’t my president.

4. Don’t I know you? Yeah from Facebook.

5. They need to put up cameras to catch spies.

6. You don’t drink! You’re a pussy.

7. Last time you came over, you left shit in my toilet.

8. Lets go smoke some poo poo. What’s that? Hash.

9. They sell frog balls on 395.

10. You are a sexy bitch. Thanks, but you still need to pay for that drink.

11. Where is George with my weed?

12. I went outside to smoke and some Mexican said I’m hot.

Live from Ridgecrest! It's Saturday night!

I spent the weekend visiting friends and family in Ridgecrest. It was a very manic weekend. It stared out great and went downhill from there. I left Long Beach around 9:30. My first stop was Lancaster to buy a CD. I turned into the parking lot and found my self in the middle of a Tea Party Rally. I’m pretty much the exact opposite of them. In fact, other than being a white guy, we have nothing in common. One old man asked if I was there to support them and handed me a flag. I tried to be polite and declined. He called me a socialist. That’s when I made a huge mistake; I asked” What’s wrong with that?” Instead of giving me a straight answer, he yelled “Communist!” and walked away. I got back in my car and drove away.


I pulled into my grandma’s house around 11:30. The thermometer on the porch reads 105F. Shit, I’m used to my beach weather, foggy and hardly ever goes over 80. I talked to my cousin and his wife for a couple hours. Grandma is getting old and is very hard of hearing and senile. She asked me every ten minutes if I brought pictures of the girls.

After grandma’s, I stop at a bookstore a friend owns. Every time I’m in town I stop in and buy something. She is not there, but and old friend is. She says “You look familiar. Are you Robison?” If you can pronounce my last name correctly, you are a real friend. We talk for a bit and catch up. I give her my number and we promise to keep in touch.

Next stop, A’s house,(I wont be saying any names in this part.) A has a new baby I haven’t seen. The baby is adorable. A and her husband, B tell me that A’s sister, C and her man, D want to meet for dinner. They all know that I don’t eat meat. I ask where dinner is. They say McDonalds. They have to be kidding me right? NO, they are not. I have French fries and an Ice tea.

We go to C and D’s house and visit the new baby they have, adorable as well. B and D go home and stay with the kids and I take A and C out. We get to a bar; it’s really empty and quite. I like that. The music is low and there is a certain dive vibe going on. The later it gets A and C drink more, keeps her composure and acts pretty cool. A gets completely sloppy shitfaced, I tell the Bartender to cut her off. He pretty much ignores me. A keeps telling me she loves me. She’s drunk so I don’t listen.

After last call, it takes half an hour to get her in the car to go home. I drop C of at her place. At this point I’m starving. The only place open is Del Taco. Well a bean burrito is better than nothing I guess. After the drive thru, A keeps trying to kiss me. I tell her to knock it off. She sticks her hand up the leg of my shorts and grabs me. I pulled her hand out. I told her that she is married and that her husband is friend of mine. She sinks back in her seat for a minute. We are driving back to her place and she starts again. I yelled at her to knock the fuck off. She grabbed my steering wheel and yanked. My car slams into a curb, She starts again. If she wasn’t a friend I would have thrown her ass out. I have her get in the back seat. She starts taking of her shirt. I get in the drivers seat and drive her home. She is pissed.

I drag her into her house and point her in the direction of her room. I go to the guest room, locked the door and tried to sleep.

I got up the next morning and go to back to grandmas. I hang out with my cousin and grandma. That we sat on the porch swing and watch the silent fireworks in the distance.

I stop to meet my friend Amanda in Mojave for an impromptu visit. I haven’t seen her in years. That short visit was awesome.

I also have to give a special shout out to my very close friend Bonnie who kept me from going insane this entire weekend. Bonnie, if it wasn’t for your constant texting, I wouldn’t have made it though this weekend. I love you, thank you for keeping me sane.



Cheers,



James.

That joke wasn't funny

Last night another friend and I decided to play a joke on our friends. We told them all that we were now a couple. I immediately realized that it was a bad idea. All my friends started writing, texting and calling me with congratulations and best wishes. They were all so happy for me, I felt like a dick knowing that I was going to have to tell them it was a joke.


As for her, we talked and played up the couple thing with each other. Something popped in my head. I liked her. Much more then I have any right too. There is no possible way we could ever get together and be more then just friends.

She is pretty much the exact opposite of me, which is a good thing. So, today I will try to keep those thoughts out of my head.



Too my friends, sorry for the bad joke, next time it will be real.

It wouldn't mean shit

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I’ve changed in the past nine months. I lost 70 pounds, become more active, going out, making friends and even dated someone for a short time. I talk more openly about myself. I started writing my thoughts and feelings down. I’ve even come to terms with my past.


I still miss Dawn, I even still love her. The missing will subside, but I will always love her, she was a big part of my life and we will always have a special bond. It’s not romantic love that went away long ago.

I am learning to be alone. Sometimes I like it. Sure it would be nice to sit on the couch and watch a movie with someone, have someone to share my bed. That will happen eventually, but until then I will enjoy my single status.

I’m still not comfortable in my own skin, but that’s getting better. I won’t apologize for myself. I’m moody, bi-polar and I still don’t like being in crowds of people I don’t know. That’s just me. I would apologize, but it wouldn’t mean shit.

Misery loves company. So take my hand.

Contrary to popular belief, she is not the catalyst for my latest round of depression. The truth is, she helped me. When I was down she made me smile. She took my hand and made it all go away. I became very codependent and looked to her to cheer me up. That was a huge mistake. I’m not saying she was a mistake. Depending on her for my own happiness was a mistake. I need to be able to do that myself.


It was really cool being able to say I was seeing such an amazing, beautiful and caring person. When she was with me I felt alive. We are still going to see each other, just not as a couple. We will have play dates for the kids and just hang out sometimes. Yeah it’ll be weird for awhile knowing that at one time I could just reach and hold her or kiss, but I’m fine with that. The awkward feelings will subside someday, and we will be friends. I love her and I just like the idea that I will have her in my life in some capacity.

Back to the depression, it’s been something that I’ve dealt with since I was a kid. I go up and I go down, but I always rebound. This time is a little different. I went down further then I ever have before and it scared the hell out of me. I will never hurt myself; I would never do that to my kids. They will always have their daddy. I have this great group of friends that love and care for me. Every one of them has called or visited to let me know just that. I am loved, and I fucking love them for that.

I will get better. I won’t always be this low, but I deal with it. I accept it.



Cheers,

James

Down with the bass.

My friend Debbie is down from Oregon visiting her family. She came over to my place last night for dinner.  After dinner she told me to pick up my bass and play something for her. I didn’t want to; I haven’t touched it in months. I finally did. It was cool. I played for till my fingers cramped up. It felt good. I’m slowly getting my life back to how it used to be.

Alone again

The hand I’ve been talking about holding?


Gone

The girl I’ve mentioned that made me feel so happy and scared at the same time?

Gone

The feeling of being comfortable and happy?

Gone



Last night she called and said she can’t see me romantically, but wants to keep seeing me as a friend.

I was mad at first. I calmed down. I had a feeling something was wrong for the past couple weeks anyway. This morning it hit me, FUCK, I am alone again. I loved her. I’m not mad at her. Just sad. I thought we were good for each other. We helped each other out in a rough time, and for awhile, we made each other smile. I wont forget her. She meant a lot to me in the short time we were together.



No more good morning text

No more goodnight phone calls

I am alone again.

It really couldn’t be any other way.



I hope she finds what she needs. I still think the world of her.



I love you

I didn’t mean it

I’ve changed my mind already

Because I knew something was wrong



I have no one to blame for this but myself. I let myself get close when I knew I shouldn’t



Goodbye,



I’m going to miss us.



James

It'll be alight...

One thing I’ve learned about myself is I will survive. With two broken marriages, drunken abusive parents, homelessness, prison, drugs, depression and failure, I’ve survived it all. I’m still here. Sometimes I don’t want to be, but here I am. I’ve put up with a lot in my life. I like to tell myself it just makes me stronger that it builds my character. I’m fooling myself. Sometimes I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the walk through the tunnel is so long. The light keeps moving further away with each step I take.


Sometimes I think is it even worth it? Of course it is, but where is my payoff? Where’s my prize? I have a lot of friends, I see them and they all seem so happy and well adjusted. How do they do it? How did they end up where they are? How can I do that? I’m scared a lot. I don’t know what’s coming next and it worries me. I’m scared to let myself get close to someone. I don’t want to be hurt. I just want to hold her hand. I want to feel normal whatever that is.



I’ve been carrying around my fathers suicide note with me since he died. It’s always in my backpack. I take my backpack everywhere I go. I can’t seem to get rid of the note. I read it often. I wonder why there isn’t a single mention of me in it.

Dawn said it perfectly to me a few days ago. I am the only thing stopping me from being happy." I don't know why I won't let myself be happy, but I just won't.

Update

I relented and had the cable turned on. I felt bad for the girls when they visit. Welcome to dads, watch nothing and do nothing. It’s only 50 bucks a month and I’m sure I can cut some corners and pay it.

The girl I’m seeing is visiting friends far away and I miss her terribly. Sometimes I think I might be pushing her away by always wanting to see her, but I know I’m just reading into things that aren’t really there. That’s me though, who can blame me for wanting to see her?

The depression is getting better. I no longer dread the day when I wake up. I don’t exactly look forward to it, but I don’t dread it either. I still don’t feel like my apartment is a home. It’s more like a transitional space I’m in. A living purgatory.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t need to be with somebody. The missing sucks, but it’s also kind of cool. I’ve never given myself the chance to miss someone before. It’s all new to me. She accepted me into her family, my kids and all. So that tells me that my worries are for nothing.

Yes, I love her.

3

Day three


Of my head spinning

Day three

Of no sleep

Day three

Of living on cigarettes and coffee

Day three

Of wondering what the fuck is going on with my life

Day three

Of pushing people away

Day three

Of trying to pinpoint my downfall

Day three

Of telling myself that it will it will get better

Day three

Of realizing love hurts

Day three

Of looking at my friends like they are strangers

Day three

Of wanting it all to go away

Day three

Of missing her

Day three

Of wishing I wasn’t so damn codependent

Day three

Of staring into the darkness of my home

Day three

Of waiting for the light to appear again



I can’t sleep. It’s been days. I went out and bought a thick memory foam mattress pad thing that might help. It didn’t, the bed is softer, but I still can’t close my eyes. I was up all night with horrible stomach pains. They would come and go. Each time they came it was like a getting hit with a hammer in my gut. This has happened before. My doctor told me they were from stress. What the hell do I have to be stressed about? I have a roof over my head. I have a job. I have two amazing kids who love me. I’m seeing someone that makes me feel like a complete person again.



Maybe this is just how I’m supposed to be.

Distraction

I need a lot of distraction lately. There is always a movie playing in the dvd player even if I’m not watching it. I need the noise. I need something to focus on. I can’t read. My mind is going a million miles an hour. I’m happy when I’m with her, I’m happy when I talk to my friends. On my days off, if I’m not at her house I drive around aimlessly. I go window shopping. I walk for miles trying not to think.

I’m at this weird stage in my life where I don’t really know what I want. Two failed marriages, two kids who I don’t see that often. When I do see them I feel like we’ve grown apart. They are with their mom and her new man, and they are trying to be a family now. I can understand that. I wish Dawn and Rob nothing but happiness. I hope their family works out better then ours did.

When the girls are here I don’t know what to do with them. They are getting older so the fun stuff we did when they were kids doesn’t quite work any more. They say they are having fun, but really how much fun can it be to sit in this place every other weekend? I sit here seven days a week and I can tell you, it sucks.

You say “Go out and do something James.” That’s pretty easy when you have extra money. I do not. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girls and cherish the time we have together. I just don’t want them to drift away any further.

Which brings me back to here we don’t see each other very often. She is a very busy person. We may only spend a few hours a week together when we can squeeze in the time, but when she sees me and smiles, it makes it al worthwhile. Sure I wish we could spend more time together, but I’m sensible. She has work to do. I don’t hold it against her. She’s doing the best she can and I’m deliriously happy for the time we do have together.

Someday we will be able to spend more time together. Someday I won’t feel like everyone in my life is drifting away. Someday I won’t feel guilty for absolutely everything in my life.

Cheers,

James

End

I started going through boxes of my father’s paperwork. I want to find out what happened. I want to know why he killed himself. I don’t think I ever will. Suicide is hard thing to understand. I’ve tried it myself a few times, never actually knowing why I wanted to do it so badly.




I came across his note. Now you may think I’m a bastard for doing this, but I am going to reprint his letter here. I think his last words should be heard. He wasn’t a bad guy, just sick. Forgive the spelling errors. I’m assuming Martha was his girlfriend. Shawnee is my sister, he spelled her name wrong, but that doesn’t matter.





Martha,



I am sorry to have found myself in this position, but, then I chose to be where my most fond memories are and have been.



Your desk in at my house, and the keys are on the key chain left here on the kitchen counter, also your $100 .00 that I owe you,



Thank you for your caring and support during our time together and I do that the right person comes for you to fulfill your happiness



As for me, it was a wonderful fulfilling time, things just got in the way, of my happiness, and none of it was your fault



I know mom is taken care of, and my grandbabies are in good hands, even if Shawnee is having some upset but she is strong and will do well



As I know the Ans, shall when she is happy and hopefully you also



Today is just another walk in the park in life, and life continues for many, but my time has ended, maybe I will come back a blue jay



My Love



Larry





And that’s it.

I Dreamed I Dream

I spent the night talking to my father. I know, that’s impossible, he’s been dead almost four years now. It was a dream. I was waiting on the porch of a rundown house in Colton California. A tanker truck had overturned a block away and the sky was orange. I tried the door, it was open. I went inside and sat down. I recognized some of the things in the house. It was filled with things that belonged to my father that I threw out after he died. I stayed on the couch and turned on the TV. Every channel was the same, the overturned tanker and the fire. I went to the kitchen to get some water.

I sat back down and noticed my father was sitting across from me. He said I seem to be a little off lately. He asked if I had any problems I might need help with. Before I could answer he held up his hand. He said “She’s just like us, give her time and space. Nobody brings you into their family unless you mean something to them.” He stood up and walked away. I didn’t see him leave, but he wasn’t there.

I was alone for awhile.

Old friends started showing up. Everyone told me that the flames were getting closer and that I should leave. I didn’t want to. It was comfortable in that house. I was connected with my past in the house. It was my past, but everything bad from it was gone. There were pictures of the happy times covering the walls. I wanted to stay, but I knew I couldn’t. I stayed warm and happy for as long as I could.

The flames were closer. They started climbing the back wall of the house. All the happy memories went up in flames.

That’s fine.

The past couple months I have been busy making new ones.  

Knives

I was told that I have changed since Dawn and I broke up. I have changed. I’d like to think I’ve changed for the better. Some people do not like it. They can’t accept the face that I am happier now, more content. I accept my place in life. I am with someone who amazes me each day. She is helping me become a better person. With her help I am beginning to see that I am worth something, that I matter. She believes in me. I miss her when I’m not around her. I have never missed anyone like this before.


I’m really sorry that you can’t just be happy for me. I do not want to be surrounded by darkness and miserable people. I want this happy contented feeling to last as long as it can. I feel like you are trying to drag me down into sadness again, and I will not allow you to do that.



Last night I dreamt about the knives again.

I stabbed myself in the chest. I stabbed my heart. I sat on the couch and watched my body die. I smoked while I bled to death on my mattress. Two days passed and my phone rang. I couldn’t answer it. Three days and my phone rang constantly. Day four it stopped. It was another 10 days before someone knocked on my door. I watched my body decompose. I watched the flies and maggots eating my body. Five more days and the police opened the door with the manager of my apartment. I walked past the police and paramedics and out the door. There was the brightest light I had ever seen. I walked down to the beach. I sat on the sand for a day or two. I stood up and walked into the ocean.

Dolls

In 4th grade, my mother got me a fake Cabbage Patch Kid. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want a doll. She made me take it to show and tell. I begged her not to. I wanted to take my new Space Shuttle picture. She said no, take the doll. I walked to the bus stop with the damn thing under my arm. The other kids were relentless. I was called fag and spit at. Someone said they were going to steal the doll. I sarcastically said “Oh no, please don’t do that.” No one stole it from me. I was stuck with my dolly.


It was too big to fit in my desk. I had to keep it out in plain view of everyone. The teasing never let up. I got up for show and tell. I said “This is my doll. I hate it.” I threw it down and walked away. The teacher made me pick it up and go back to my desk. The rest of the school year I was greeted with taunts of “Verne plays with dolls.” None of the boys would play with me after that.

The new school year started. The first thing I heard was “Hey Verne, where’s your baby doll?” 5th grade was not off to a great start.

Nope

The day you told me you wanted me to leave; I stopped caring about what made you mad. I do not owe you any explanation of my plans or what I do in my spare time. When you tell me I need to take the girls on a day I am not scheduled too, I do not have to explain why I can’t do it. Every other time you asked or told me too, I took them. This time I can’t. You do not need to know why. That’s none of your business. I never ask what you do in your personal life. I don’t need to know. You do not have the right to ask me.


We aren’t friends anymore. Were we ever really? I’m sorry I can’t take the girls, but I have plans. I told you three weeks ago when you asked me. It’s not fair to just thrust them upon me. I love them, you know that, and I take them whenever I have the chance.

I have a life outside of you for the first time in ages. I’m happy now. Please don’t get mad and try to bring me back down.

Remember, it was your decision to go our separate ways. I was sad for a long time, but I am much happier since the split. I’m with someone absolutely amazing, and I couldn't be happier.


Cheers,

James

I suppose it's human nature.

If I could stop thinking, I would.

If I could stop feeling, I would.

If I could stop caring, I would.

How can feeling so good make me feel so bad? I over think everything. I automatically assume that when I call someone, they are seeing my name and ignoring me. I have to remind myself that they are probably busy. Not everyone wants to talk on the phone all day.

I need constant reassurance. That’s new. I hate it. I don’t want to be that way. I try not to be, but it doesn’t work. I think after my divorce, I got a little scared. I’m constantly looking for the signs. And that just sucks.

When I’m with her or talking to her, I’m happy, when I’m not, I get sad. I have no food to speak of in my house, but I won’t go buy any. The laundry is piling up, and I’m running out of clothes, but I won’t wash them. No, I’d rather starve and wear dirty clothes.

I need to stop reading into things and just enjoy the time we have together. I need to stop freaking out when we don’t talk.

Easier said than done.

I don’t want to stop feeling.

I don’t want to stop caring.

The thinking I can do without.

Vacation

I need to go somewhere, get out of LA for awhile. I haven’t travelled anywhere in a long time. The city is starting to get to me; work is starting to get to me. I’m making stupid little mistakes at work and getting yelled at. I haven’t taken any time off in ages. It’s not that easy to get time off here. There are only three of us and I’m the only one that knows how to do my job. I’m going crazy looking at the same desk everyday for 9 hours. I can’t remember the last time I had a real vacation. I need to sit in the desert and look at the stars. I want to forget about chemicals, satellites, missiles, radar and hazmat for awhile. Just look at the stars and forget it all.




When I was 15 my father asked if I wanted to go to Seattle with him. I asked my mom. She said no because he planned on taking me to Canada and kidnapping me. Whenever I came home from visiting him, she would examine my body for evidence that he molested me. She would bombard me with questions. Did he touch you? What did you eat? Where did you sleep? Did he wear clothes? Did he jerk off in front of you? Did you watch porn with him? Did he get you drunk? She was obsessed with child molestation news stories. According to her everyone wanted to kidnap and fuck me. She seemed to have forgotten her drunken cuddle time with me.



After the molestation paranoia wore off, she was convinced I was stealing from her to buy drugs. She told me she had hidden microphones all over the house and could hear everything I said. She made the dog sleep in my room because she implanted a microphone under the dog’s skin to keep track of me.



Her room was next to mine. At night I would listen to her cry, calling out to no one. Asking why did Larry leaver her? Why does she have such a horrible son?



Sometimes in the afternoon, she would ask me to sit on the porch with her. She would give me wine coolers and get me drunk. She would put her arm around me. I would get up, go back inside and wait for the yelling or hitting to start. She would come in and say “You think you’re too good for me? You’re just like your father; all he wanted to do was fuck.” She would either just stare at me or throw whatever was closest to her at me. I have to credit her with causing me to have an amazing reaction time and great reflexes.

Selfish

I have never felt so out of my element and so comfortable at the same time. I went to a party. I knew one person. She was busy with hosting duties, so I mostly kept to myself. I made an effort to talk to people and found everyone extremely friendly and interested in who I was and what I do. I turned off my brain and just had a good time for once. I was nervous, but so is everyone when meeting someone new.


My life is changing so drastically now. I’ve met someone who has become very important to me; I’m slowly turning my apartment into a home, I’m eating better and getting some exorcise. Why, because of her. She gave me the kick in the ass I needed. I feel hopeful. I feel good.

I actually feel good about my writing. Hell, I even feel good about myself. I like this feeling. This sense of pride I have when we’re together.



I want to feel this way all of the time.



To the naysayers,

I know you mean well. I know you don’t want me to get hurt. There is a chance things might get weird. I might get hurt. I’ve been hurt before and I’ve bounced back. Stop trying to give me reasons why I shouldn’t be doing this. She makes me happy. I deserve this.

So come on guys, let me have this one.

No lampshades on my head.

A party.

Strangers.

Hand shaking

Small talk

Nervousness

New people.

I’m frightened. I don’t know anyone. I will sit in my corner and keep to myself. They are talking to me. I can’t really relate. They have all known each for years. I am an interloper.

They smile at me, laugh at my jokes, but still, are they really or they being nice. I still find it hard to tell the difference.

I try

Lord knows I’m trying.

I ain't no rat.

A lot of my friends are becoming overly concerned with my social life. I know they mean well, and they are just concerned, but it’s becoming rather annoying. So here is all I’m going to say.




Yes, I am dating someone.

Yes, it’s going well.

No, I will not tell you who she is.

No, I will not tell you what we do.

No, I will not tell you if she’s local or not.

No, I will not tell you how often we talk to each other.

No, I wont tell you if we text each other.

No, I won’t tell you if she has a Facebook page to see.



What we do, who she is, and where she lives are between us.



What we do is secret, our secret.



I have told very few people about us, and I plan on keeping it that way.

All you need to know is that I consider myself lucky to have met her. She made me smile again. She believes in me.



Cheers,



James

sigh

Despite being somewhat molested by my mother, the beatings and the mental abuse, I don’t hate her. I feel sorry for her.




With the drunkenness and never being there, I don’t hate my father. I miss him



I don’t hate my ex-wife. She’s happy now.



I’m in a good place now. I’m dating someone special. She makes me feel good.



My daughters are growing up into beautiful, intelligent women.



For the first time in years I think I can say I’m happy.



It’s been a long time, and I have to keep telling myself to not let it go to my head.



I remain cautiously optimistic.



I know I’ll be sad again someday, but for now I’m going to enjoy this time of contented happiness.

60

60 things people have said about me or called me.




1. A walking Wikipedia of useless knowledge.

2. Intelligent but disillusioned.

3. Oblivious

4. Lacks commitment.

5. Stupid

6. Beefcake

7. One of the most cool uncool people.

8. I seem like I’m from New York.

9. Nerd

10. Geek

11. Obsessive

12. Needs constant reassurance

13. No style

14. Looks better in life than in photos.

15. Fat

16. Skinny

17. Lazy

18. Failure

19. Dreamer

20. Distracting

21. Quite

22. Will be a cult hero someday.

23. Too sarcastic

24. Too honest

25. Too punk for the indie kids and too indie for the punk kids

26. Vampire cult leader.

27. Needs direction

28. Needs motivation

29. No ambition

30. Daddy (my favorite)

31. Husband

32. Ex-husband

33. Clumsy

34. Too caring

35. Doesn’t care enough.

36. Scared

37. Too polite

38. Asshole

39. Fag

40. White trash

41. Thief

42. Friend

43. Brother

44. Bi-polar

45. Manic depressive

46. Annoying

47. Ugly

48. Smelly

49. Lackadaisical

50. Cowardly

51. Poor

52. Lucky

53. Strong

54. Tough willed

55. A survivor

56. Inspirational

57. Addictive

58. Uncle

59. Bastard

60. boring

oh well

I am totally stressing out about money today. I am also in this weird stupid/happy mood. I was up till one this morning worrying about my financial situation. I came to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do about it. At least not right now. Every thing seems to work if you let it. So that’s what I’ll do, let it. I have a roof over my head, a car to get me where I need to go and food in the cupboards. Although honestly, I may not have the roof over my head for much longer.




As for the stupid/happy, I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I missed it. To this person, I say thank you.

Weekend of death and new life.

Friday night. 04/23/2010




It’s 10:30 at night. I’m dressed in a black button down shirt and black pants. I leave the apartment. On the sidewalk in front of my building someone says “Hey!” I turn towards the voice. There is a flash of light and I’m suddenly falling backwards. I’m on the ground. My chest hurts. I can’t hear anything. I can’t breath, my clothes are wet. Everything’s dim. There are people around me, but I can’t hear what they are saying. I close my eyes.



I woke up after that. I sat up and thought, that was odd, is that how I’ll go? I went to the bathroom, got some water and went back to sleep.



Saturday morning 04/24/2010



I leave the apartment. I have a few errands to run and want to get them done early. I can see a car in the distance as I cross the street to my car. The driver and passenger are looking at the floor. I get to my car and notice they are still looking down and headed straight for me. I don’t have enough time to get in my car. I hug it as they pass by. I feel the back of my jacket being brushed by the car. They hit two parked cars and stop. The driver gets out. He is stoned. He says “Man I dropped my Slurpee.” Notice he didn’t say sorry. The police were called and I gave a report. Both of them were arrested.



Saturday night.



I had an amazing time. And that’s all I’ll say about that.

Celebrate the new dark ages.

Last night it hit me. A cold wave washed over me. I knew it was happening again. It wrapped around me and pulled me under. I struggled for a bit, but ultimately gave in and went under. It felt familiar. I know this. I embrace it. It is my friend.


I’ve learned to wear my wounds with pride. I’m not exactly proud of my past, but I do not regret a minute of it. I wear my pain and suffering like a badge of honor as a constant reminder to not set myself up because I will fall again. That’s life I suppose. Every artist needs a tragedy. We all need to suffer to be alive. It keeps us grounded.

I won’t be down for long. Tomorrow I’ll probably happy again.

Part of me doesn’t want that.

If I think

Today could go either way. I went to bad sad and woke up sad. Not for any reason, I just did. I’m human and get moody sometimes.


Still wondering about tonight, still wondering about a lot of things really. Still wondering about friends who don’t know what’s going on and wondering about the ones who do. Questions, everyone has questions. I remain guarded in my answers. Some take the hint, some don’t. I don’t get mad. They just care about me and don’t want to see me hurt again, and well, me too.

I remain cautiously optimistic though. If anything, I met someone amazing and for the time being, I am happy (but still wondering).

We need air. No allegiance to the queen.

When my parents divorced we moved into a house with another family. My mother had no concept of working or paying rent. We moved into one of the bedrooms. My sister had a bed. I had to share a bed with my mom. She would get drunk before bed. She would pull me to her and put my head on her breast. She would rub her hands all over me. She would put her hands on my underwear and rub while whispering to me “You’ll never leave me.” I hated it. I hated her. I hated myself for letting this happen. After a year I finally told her to stop and started sleeping on the floor. She said I just wanted to get away so I could jerk off like my father. I was ten. I had no idea what she meant. We finally moved out. I had my own room, but it became a prison cell. I wasn’t allowed to leave that room unless I had to go to the bathroom, eat or go to school. At three o’clock in the afternoon I had to be in my room. I couldn’t have friends or phone calls. All I had was a little black and white TV, a record player and my books. Those were my escape. I would with TV and pretend I was part of those happy families. I was the characters in the books I read. I was the singer on the records I listened to.

Sunday morning. Everyday is Sunday.

Sitting on the couch typing, the girls are still asleep on the floor. I’m out of coffee and I’m waiting for them to wake up so we can go buy some.  I’m thinking of one person who has become rather special to me and trying to think of a way to help another. I keep telling myself to turn my brain off and have fun, but I can’t. I always analyze everything, every word anyone says to me looking for some hidden meaning.

That’s a problem; sometimes it stops me from taking chances and experiencing life to its fullest. I need to learn how to stop and enjoy something. I’m scared. I’ve been burned so many times in the past that it stops me sometimes.

 This time is different. She wants to go slow. I like that. I want to get to know her. I want to learn about her life. I want her to learn about mine. I want to share things with her, to slowly become part of my life. Will it happen? Only time will tell.

The girls go home tonight. I have a date with her on Tuesday. After that nothing, no plans till the first of May. I’ve gotten used to doing something on the weekends, a dinner with a friend or a visit to my sisters. I’ve learned to keep myself busy. I hated wallowing in self pity and I won’t allow myself to do that anymore. The truth is, I’ve been feeling pretty good about myself as of late. I’m dating a beautiful, interesting woman, my boss has eased up on the yelling and I get to see my girls more then ever.

Sometimes, life ain’t so bad. 

Coffee, books and cigarettes

So I went on a date. It was my first date in over twelve years. I had a blast, and I hope she did too. She has the most beautiful blue eye’s I’ve ever seen, with the exception of my own of course. I won’t go into details, but here’s a brief summary.




1. Get lost on the way there.

2. Two phone calls later I arrive.

3. One quick hug. (felt great by the way)

4. Question of what we should do.

5. Trip to a book store for coffee and books.

6. Phones explode with text from friends

7. An emergency call from one of her friends.

8. French toast for dinner.

9. Gasoline and cigarettes.

10. Back to her house.

11. Brief tour of the house.

12. I meet the pets.

13. A quick kiss and agree on a second date.

14. Walk to car and another quick kiss, she runs back inside.

15. 45 minutes to find a parking space.



I like her, I really do and I hope we can have some sort of future together, as friends, as a couple or whatever. I am happy just to know her.

Spring cleaning

All the blankets I own are the ones my dad wrapped around himself when he killed himself. All of my towels were his. I still have all his knick-knacks. I have a few of his books and CD’s. Most of it sits in boxes in what should be my dinning room. It takes up space. Every time I see the boxes I remember being a kid and hiding in my bedroom while my parents fought drunkenly. Some of it is things they would throw at each other. Each item is a painful memory. I can’t seem to get rid of it. It’s like it has a weird hold on me. It all has to go. I have to throw it all away. One blanket has three small spots of blood on it. That’s the one I sleep with.

Tomorrow around 8-8:30, it goes. All of it. Until I get more blankets, I’ll use a sleeping bag.  The sheets and pillow cases belonged to my ex. I think I’ll get rid of them too 

New day rising.

I’m tired of hiding in the cracks. I’m tired of being cynical. I want to trust in something or someone again.


Last night I had a long conversation with someone. We talked about my life, everything I’ve gone through good and bad. She told me I should think about volunteering my time with kids who had experiences similar to mine. She’s right; I have come a long way. I may not have the best job in the world or a lot of money, but damn it, I am still here. I never gave up. I came close a couple times, but I’ve never let adversity get me down for too long. I’ve had a lot of bad shit happen to me. I either soaked it in or let it roll off of me.

I’ve never actually felt important. I figured no one wants to hear my dumb stories. That no one really cares. That’s changing. It’s weird, but she makes me feel important. This morning I plan on looking into different groups and see if I can help in one way or another.



Thank you for that call.

Just to see you smile..

For Lydiaemily.

Because of me, you have paint on your iPhone.

Four words, I like…your blog. That’s how it started. I don’t have many people hitting me saying that. I was intrigued. I wanted to know who this person was. She added me as a friend. I looked at her profile. She is beautiful. She is an amazing artist. I told her I love her work and she thanked me. That’s all I needed. I found my inspiration, my muse.

We have only been talking for a week, but I’m obsessed. I have to know everything about her. She says I make her smile. She makes me smile.  We may never actually meet. We may not have much time together. She’s sick. I will value every moment we have together and remember every text, every email, every facebook posting between us. Until we are no more, I will do everything I can to keep her smiling and laughing.

I want see her smile in person at least once. I want to go to the zoo with her, watch the gorillas and hold her hand. I want to make her smile in person. I want to have coffee and smoke cigarettes for real.

If that doesn’t happen, I will be happy just knowing her and having her in my life in some form or another. 

When I sleep, my dreams destroy the bad memories.

I don’t know if it’s working. I went to bed sad and woke up sadder. Sad is something I can understand. Something I can comprehend. The past two months I’ve felt happy and I couldn’t grasp it. It wasn’t me.


I can feel myself wasting away. I keep losing weight. I’m now down to 155. None of my clothes fit. Food doesn’t appeal to me. I live on coffee and cigarettes. I tried quitting, but I need to cling to something. I stopped looking for a girlfriend or friends for that matter. I have accepted the fact that I will sit in my apartment alone.

Everywhere I look I see happy families, happy couples and happy people. I want to be like that, I do. I yearn to be happy without the feeling hopelessness in the back of my mind. Do these people feel the emotional pain that I have everyday? How do they see all the sadness in the world and ignore it? Do they see this sadness at all?

Everything good that happens to me I fuck up somehow. People talk to me and I don’t know how to react. I take my time in responding and they think I’m an asshole. Some times I don’t know if it’s worth it. If I’m alive this time next year I want one thing. I want to be happy without the guilt.

A short poem

I cen't even remember
the color
of your eyes
even though
when I close mine
You're all I see

Oh don't act suprised, you knew this was coming.

Party 94? 95?




Terrance and Jim and I were bored. It was Saturday night and we had nothing to do. Terrance knew of a party. We decided to go. Turns out, the party was being thrown by Jim’s girlfriends’ mother. She never met him before and the girlfriend was away so it was cool. All the mothers’ friends were gay. We were the only straight people there. They had a lot of booze and food. There was a hot tub in the backyard. Jim almost blew his cover when he said he had to go to the bathroom and stood up and walked in the house. He caught himself and asked where it was.

After awhile we were all pretty drunk. Someone suggested we get in the hot tub. Sure why not? It was a nice night and we were plastered. Some guy sat by me. Whatever, I didn’t care. Everyone knew I wasn’t gay. Mark and Terrance sat by each other. We had been friends with Mark for years so Terrance didn’t mind. Jim was sitting by some big bear. The guy next to me asked for a kiss. What the hell, I’ve never kissed a guy before so I did. Apart from the beard stubble, it was just like kissing a girl. He put his head on my shoulder and we just sat there. I looked towards Terrance and Mark. They were laughing and pointed to where Jim and the bear were. They were making out. Jim’s glasses were all askew, his hands were everywhere. He was lost in the arms of the bear. He was sitting in the bears lap. It looked cute. The guy I was sitting with asked if I wanted to go in and cuddle. I told him I was flattered, but no. He put his head back on my shoulder. He looked up at me and said “James, you’re making me hard.” He took my hand and placed it on his boner. I looked at him and said “Don’t do that.” I took my hand away. I got out of the tub and lit a cigarette. He told me I look sexy when I do that. I decided this was getting out of hand. I told Terrance and Jim it was time to go. Jim was still on the Bears lap. Mark asked for a ride home. The guy that wanted me to molest him asked for my number. Before I could say no Mark gave it to him. We drove back to the hotel and passed out.



A few months later.



I go with Jim to pick up his girlfriend and her friend. We sit in the desert, drinking cheap wine. Jim and his girl are sitting right behind me and start making out. The girlfriends’ friend comes close to me and we start kissing. I feel a hand on my inner thigh. I think wow this chick is into me and I just met her. I realize that one of her hands is on the back of my head and her other hand is on my back. I look to Jim; he’s kissing his girl and looking at me. His hand is on my thigh slowly working its way up. I grab his hand and push it off. I look back at him and shake my head no. We take the girls home. Jim says I was turning him on when he saw me with that girl and that he is starting think he might be gay. I told him that I’m not gay or bi. He looked sad.

Everyone thinks he looks daft.

9:45 AM Sitting on porch listening to music, having a cup of tea.




9:58 AM Friend picks me up for a day trip to Riverside with his girlfriend.



11:10 Am arrive at another friend’s house. I am informed that I will be meeting someone for a lunch “date”. I don’t like surprises of this nature. Fortunately she is a friend and we will remain friends, nothing more.



11:20 Am Friend and girlfriend are in the front seat, I’m in the back. It’s weird seeing both of them so happy. It’s nice but weird.

I’m in Rialto. Nearly everything bad in my life happened here. I have no happy memories of this place. Every house, tree, street sign brings back bad memories. I smoke more when I’m here; I have the urge to drink, when I’m in Rialto, I need a crutch.



We get to our lunch place. I haven’t seen her since ninth grade. She hugs me. It feels awkward, like neither one of us wanted to do it but felt obligated too. I don’t eat. I have no appetite.

Lunch over, she goes to work. She is my mother’s boss. She likes my mom. She doesn’t know her like I know her. I won’t say anything. Why should I ruin her friendship with my mother just because I hate her?

Friend, girlfriend and I get back in the car. We drive to Castle Park. I’m ashamed I don’t have enough money for the admission. “No problem “they say, “We got you covered.” We get in and automatically I regret coming. I shouldn’t be here. This is their date and I’m a third wheel. All day long, friends girlfriend’s ex text and calls her. I grab the phone and calm him down. He later emails me and says thank you for doing that. I feel pretty good for awhile.

When the day is done, we drive home. I start looking through someone’s artwork. It’s amazing. I let her know. She says thanks and in a weird way inspires me to write again. I’m mesmerized for a few minutes. Its weird how two or three lines could inspire you to try again.


Thank you.

Complete nonsense. Writers block sucks.

For Donella, the girl with glasses who puts me in my place.




I haven’t felt like doing this much lately, I mean I want to but when I sit down there is nothing there anymore. I mean how many times can I write about being lonely and sad because she left? It gets boring after awhile. I’m doing a hell of a lot better then I was a few months back. I sort of miss how I was back then. There is a certain comfort in being sad. I didn’t care how I looked when I went to work; I lost a lot of weight because I refused to eat. I lived like a hermit, all hairy and probably smelly. Now I’ve been taking care of myself, cleaning up the apartment, making a half assed attempt at talking to people.

The lithium has really helped a lot. I was against taking it for years, and basically destroyed my marriage because of it. I don’t know if you’ve ever lived with someone who is Bi-polar, but we are not the easiest people to get along with. I’ve been getting out more. I’ve been spending more time with my sister.



See, this is terrible. I shouldn’t have written this.



Cheers,



James

Life has a certian ability of breathing new life into me, so I breath it in.

Despite all the setbacks I’ve had lately, I remain in good spirits. I know something good will happen to me someday. The bad times aren’t all behind me yet. I still think of the ex a lot. Sometimes I wish she’d come back, but I think that’s because I don’t really want to be alone. I spend my time trying to work on some music with a friend, reading and walking around exploring my city.


I’ve slowly started going out. Not dating, just hanging out. I don’t know if I’m ready for dating just yet. I’m not too worried about it. When it happens, it happens. I’ve reconnected with another friend from Jr. High. She is another one that had a crush on me back then. Apparently I was quite the heartthrob back then. Why wasn’t I aware of this? It would have made Jr. High a lot more pleasant.

I haven’t been writing much lately, frankly I haven’t been doing anything worth writing about. The Lithium is still working; I’m not down so much. I’ve lost 75 pounds since she left. I’m feeling good about myself. Hell, I even think I look good. I’ve never thought like that before. I can see my personality changing. I find myself talking to people at work. Not out of necessity, but because I want to. I have more energy, I laugh and smile more.

I am happy.
I am more me

About damn time.

There is a radio in my head.

Sitting in the hole last night, I heard someone yelling “Faggot ass faggot. Come down here so I can fuck you in the ass like you fucked my woman!” I looked outside and there is some guy yelling this into the sky. He kept repeating this over and over for five minutes. He stopped, turned and walked out of the ally. I love living in the city.




After that I sat wishing I had someone to talk too and hoping this pack of cigarettes last me through the week. I’m not really that sad anymore, just lonely. I have a lot of online friends, but they are just that, online friends. I want to go out again, go on dates with girls, and go see a show with someone. All of my friends live far away and all the girls I know are married or have boyfriends. Sitting there thinking of this, I started to get sad. I’m surrounded by people, but still feel alone. I could make a little more effort to meet people, but something is holding me back.



The truth is I like someone. This will never turn into anything more. She’s married and I won’t try to come between them. I don’t want to wait in the shadows forever, but I can’t help but think if I’m patient maybe someday we could be together. I’m also realistic about it and tell myself it will never happen.



And now, some random facts.



I had a shirt that said “Frankie say Relax. Don’t do it.



I’ve been going to the Long beach grand Prix since 1983. This is the first year I will go alone.



Sometimes when I listen to music, I pretend I’m in the band.



I went on a blind date a few weeks ago, it was horrible.



I am scared of horses.



I hate my job but I keep it because for once in my life I need to stick with something.



There are times were I still miss my ex-wife.



I’ve never had a lap dance.



I get weird mini crushes of random girls I meet.



I kissed a guy once.



I fell down a waterfall.



In the Air Force, I walked in on my roommate masterbaiting. Neither one of ever brought it up again.



I shaved off my beard last night and instantly regretted doing so.



By the time I was 16 I had lived in 11 different cities.

My Bloody Valentine

Got a little sad this weekend, not because of Valentines Day and the fact that I’m newly single, that didn’t really bother me too much. Saturday night I was watching The Simpsons with my girls. The first episode that Dawn and I watched together came on. She was sick and lay in my lap wrapped up in a blanket with her head on my chest. I had my arms wrapped around her and watched the show while smelling her hair. I loved the smell of her hair. I loved the way it tickled my chin. She dozed off giving little contended sighs every now and then. I started thinking of that moment and how happy it made me feel. I started to think that right now she’s probably watching some show cuddling with her boyfriend. I asked Gracie to turn it off and change the DVD. She asked why so I told her. I’m honest with her about this whole thing. She pressed stop and kissed my cheek. We watched a few more episodes and went to bed.




Lithium update:

The Dr. increased my dosage. I told her that I don’t expect to be happy all the time, she asked me to try the new dosage just for awhile. Sure.



Writing update:

Three more rejection letters in the email today, I’ve come to expect them, even look forward to them, the positive aspects of negative thinking.

I’m thinking of doing some spoken word pieces; maybe have my friend play his guitar while I read. Any thoughts?

This ain't no picnic.

In movies the jilted lover always walks away wishing the other person good luck never to be seen or heard from again. That never happens. In reality, he moves into the first apartment he can find. He sits alone for a few weeks with no TV or internet service. His thoughts are all about her, what’s she doing, or more accurately, what are they doing? He stares at the blank walls or pictures of her and the kids knowing it will never be like that again. He thinks about what he should have done differently. He doesn’t eat. The only contact he has with the outside world is when he sits on the porch smoking. He goes back inside when all he see’s are happy couples walking hand in hand down the street.


He watches movies to keep his mind free of the thoughts of her. He dreads going to sleep because his mind races thinking about her. He turns the radio on so he can relax, but every song reminds him of her so he turns it off.

His thought turns to suicide. He can’t take anymore. He’s stuck in this shitty apartment with no furniture sleeping on the floor. He decides he doesn’t want to be alone so he adopts a cat. Something living is better then nothing at all. He starts to take walks around his new neighborhood. The happy couples don’t bother him as much as they did in the beginning. He see’s more weekend dads walking around with their own kids and starts to feel a little less alone. He starts a new hobby, writing. The internet finally gets turned on. The cable gets installed. He starts making new friends online. Some of which become friends in real life. He starts to think less and less of her. Sometimes he still gets sad or angry, but his friends pull him out of it. They greet him with open arms when he visits. He starts to feel wanted and liked again.

For the first time he starts to think about the future, the kids coming to visit, his friends he will see the places he will go. He starts going to a therapist. It feels good to let the problems and thoughts out. He starts thinking maybe this isn’t so bad. He starts thinking maybe I should start dating again. With the thought of suicide gone, he can’t help but feel hopeful about his own future. He has lost a lot of weight, quit smoking and started eating again. He’s still lonely, but it’s not as bad as before. He still thinks of her, but in a different way now. Not so much as his wife who left, but as someone he shares a special bond with that no matter what, will never be broken.

He starts smiling at girls he see’s on his walks through town or the beach. He asks someone out and is turned down and that doesn’t bother him at all. He wakes up with a smile every morning looking forward to the day to come. He starts to think that he is happy now, that the world is his and somewhere out there is that one special girl waiting just for him.

Every time.

Every time, every fucking time, I start to feel better and she says or does something to shatter it and the clouds come back. Today I get a text; it says this is her new phone number. It’s an Orange county number, the county her boyfriend lives in. He added her to his plan. It shouldn’t bother me but it does. I’m not going to Lie, it really fucking bothers me. I still want to smash his face in. I want to let him know that I will not accept him stealing my peacefully.

I won’t do anything of course. That would hurt her and I do not want to hurt her at all. I fucked up, I drove her away ands it’s all my fault anyway so I should just move on.

Fuck, why did I drive her away? Why did I push her to him? I am complete shit and deserve my pain. I deserve every bad thing that happens to me. It’s all my own doing. I brought this on and can not blame her at all.

I'm done
All i'm doing is pissing people off with this.

Out of the darkness. I can see clearly again.

I’m driving to work. My nose starts bleeding, badly. I don't know why. I have blood pouring out of the middle of my face. It's every where. I drive to work steering with one hand while pinching my nose with the other. I get to work and my face and clothes are covered in blood. It looks like I took a savage beating. Despite this, I am in a good mood and feel almost unstoppable today.


I get to see my kids for a couple hours tonight. Saturday afternoon I get to see a couple bands play, Avi Buffalo and The Soft Pack, they are playing 10 different free shows around LA in one day. Saturday night I get to hang out with my friends Shaunna and Sloan, maybe someone else there too, but we aren’t counting on it.

I made a new friend this week, she seems pretty cool. It’s always nice to make new friends. She is going through some trouble similar to what I just went through, so it’s nice to talk to someone who can relate.

Yeah, every thing is looking pretty nice right now. I’m starting to see that silver lining around that cloud.



Have a good, fun, safe weekend everybody. And once again, thanks to everyone. You guys make my life complete.



James

A brief history of amazing letdowns part II

01/25-01-26 2009




So I get home from work on Monday. I check my mail, usual crap, ad’s a bill and what’s this? A notice saying I have a package being held at the Post Office. It requires a signature. I didn’t order anything; I don’t think any of my friends have sent me a surprise, what could it be? All day the 26th I’m at work pondering this mystery package. No one I know admitted sending it. It’s driving me crazy. I can’t stop pondering this box of mystery. 4 o’clock, quitting time, I get in my car leaving my jacket and umbrella on my desk, I’m in a hurry, I have to get to the downtown Long Beach post office before 5. I get there; I pay my 2 bucks for parking a block away. It’s pouring and I remember my jacket and umbrella on my desk. Crap. Oh well, to the package of mystery. I walk in the door and stand in line for another 15 minutes. Finally it’s my turn. I walk to the window, hand the postal clerk my notice. She asks for ID. I give her my drivers license, she says it’ll be a minute and walks into the back. She comes back with a small package that says Mighty Dog on it. She hands me the package. I sign for it. Across the top it says “A week’s supply of puppy food for your new companion!” A fucking dog food sample, I don’t even have a dog. I walked outside in the rain and threw the box in the first dumpster I see. I walk back to my car with Charlie Brown music playing in my head getting soaked by the rain.

You said it's time to leave the planet.

I’ve been listening to a lot of old blues records lately. The soul and passion of those old musicians gets to me. It has feeling, it has depth. Most music today feels shallow and empty.


I went Saturday night with my friend Carlos to see a band called National Treasure. Very good indie rock in the vein of Claw Hammer, who I really miss and wish, would start playing again. Carlos is a friend of the singer/guitarist Ted and we chatted a bit after the show. He told me he has the same sweater I was wearing, so there you go, instant indie rock cred. Ted doesn’t have any fingers on his right hand, just a thumb. This doesn’t stop him from playing, in fact he was amazing. The whole band was really. They were loud, distorted and sloppy, just how I like it. Ted wailed about waking up dead and the coming meat revolution. National Treasure restored my faith in the underground, go see them if you get a chance.

Sunday was supposed to be my wedding anniversary; in a sense it still was I guess since the divorce isn’t final yet. I didn’t celebrate, I didn’t call her. I didn’t write her a letter or anything. I’m just letting her go on with her life. Instead I went exploring in my apartment building. There is a basement there that I never went into. I walked in and saw a laundry room. I’ve been going to the Laundromat every Sunday for four months and could have been doing it at home for half the money. Seems like that would have been something to tell me when I moved in.

After my adventure to the basement, I tried to check my email. My internet was down. I called tech support four different times and was hung up on each time. The fifth time I actually talked to someone. After an hour of talking to the person they decided they couldn’t do anything for me. She told me to give it a day or so and it might come back on and hung up. I called back and spent another hour on the phone trying to fix the problem. The tech told me they will dispatch someone to come and try to fix the problem, on February 13th. During that time I will continue to be billed.

With nothing else to do, I took a walk. It was nice out and as usual, all my cares drifted away the moment I put my headphones on and walked out the front door.

Happy Anniversary, I think I'll do laundry.

This is the first weekend in awhile that I don’t have any plans. There were a few things I was thinking of doing, but I decided to just hang out at home. This is the weekend of our anniversary. We decided to get married on a whim after knowing each other for a month. We drove to Vegas and got married at 6:40 am. I’m not staying home because of that, I’m staying so I can do my laundry and straighten up the place. That will kill about two hours. The rest of the time I will just veg. I don’t feel sad about it. I don’t really know how I feel about it. I’m just whatever about the whole thing. Moving on is interesting, and the possibilities that I have for the future are amazing.
I take that back, I do have something to Sunday. A friend recommended a movie to watch. I shall.




Yesterday I was told by my friend Shaunna, “Girls can tell.” I don’t know what it means. I asked my sister and was told “She’s right.” That didn’t help much. I’ll never know I guess.

Here's a song by Spoon.
 

Written In Reverse - Spoon

More bitching and moaning.

It’s kind of a glum day. It’s cloudy and cold. I spent the drive into work thinking about my situation. A friend of mine asked if I was actually happy in my marriage, the answer is sometimes. But if I wasn’t happy all the time, why am I so sad now? Is it because after all this time, I am alone? Am I just used to having someone around? It’s the stupid crap I miss the most. Eating dinner and I look up; she gives me a little smile. Going to a movie and she lays her head on my shoulder, or we are watching something funny on TV and she would look my way to see if I’m laughing too.


I’m not saying that I’m not happy now. I am at times. I think about it a lot less then I used too. It’s natural to think about things like this. We were together along time and there a lot of memories. I’m making new memories now. Not replacing them, not forgetting but moving on and away from us. I stopped thinking in terms of us awhile ago. Now it’s you and me. No longer together, but separate.

Someone Great

One of the reasons I considered stopping this is gone. Petty jealousy destroys friendships. I’m sorry if my life seems better then yours, but you are the one who put yourself in the position you are in. You have only yourself to blame. No one is holding you back. Nothing is going to change for you unless you do it yourself. I will miss you, but maybe we need a break. I’ve decided to keep writing, I’m not going to let some people hold me back.




I spent this weekend with my kids. We went to my sister’s house. We spent the weekend scanning old pictures into her computer. It was strange looking at those pictures seeing the progression of a happy family into complete hell. There were a lot of pictures of my childhood. They stopped at age 10. It’s like I disappeared after I turned 10. My sister told me that none of the people mom works with even know she has a son. She stopped telling people about me after she threw me out at 15. It’s a strange feeling knowing that you are being wiped out of someone’s memory.



On the drive home I was playing some mix cd I made. Someone Great by LCD Soundsystem came on. I mentioned that it was a sad song. Gracie asked me what it was about. I told her I think it’s about loosing a great love and being sad that no one seems to know how sad you are and that everything in the world keeps going normally and that makes you sadder. You feel the world and everything in it should be sad too, but it’s not. You are alone in your sadness. I stopped telling her about the song, tears welled up in my eyes. Gracie started crying. I was crying. I put my sunglasses on so she wouldn’t see her dad cry. I reached back to her and grabbed her knee. I told her not to worry, that everything is better now and that I love her and her sister and that I am not going anywhere. After the little crying session I felt better. I guess I need to do that.



On a good note, I found out that I was the fabled cool older brother with good music taste. Apparently my sister’s friends liked me. They thought I was good looking and had an awesome music collection. I don’t know about good looking, but I still have an awesome music collection.

And that's all she wrote. So long everyone.

I had to take a drug test at work because of my weight loss. I lost a lot of weight and have more energy then I did before, so I must be doing drugs.


I woke up in a bad mood. I had a bad night. It happens whenever the kids come over. I start thinking about her and everything. It’s weird now though, it’s not so much love and missing, but anger and jealousy. I don’t like feeling that way. I’d rather be sad then angry and jealous. I don’t even know what I’m jealous of, how quickly she moved on, the fact that this seemed so easy for her? What is it? I guess that’s part of dealing with a loss.

I think I’m getting over it. I think I’ve come along way since this started.





I think I’m drying up. I don’t want to write this anymore. It’s become a chore. It’s not fun anymore. I was stupid to think I could do this everyday. I was bound to loose interest in it like I do with everything I start.



So long everyone.

Thanks for reading.

I am... in a world... of Shit

01/14/2009




Kind of a down day, just dwelling on the past, something I told myself I wouldn’t do any more. It’s hard not to think about today. One of the last concerts we went to was a guy named Jay Reatard. He died yesterday. I spent last night thinking about the show, how we argued about something stupid. It was my fault, it always was. I hated being in public and took it out on her. I almost always spoil what could be an amazing time together. I keep looking back at all the times she wanted me to go somewhere with her and I said no. I should have gone. I should have enjoyed my time with her, but no I had to be selfish and want my time for me. Now that I am alone all the time I realize how special those times could have been, and I just threw them away. She loved me and I stomped on her love till it went away. I have no one to blame in this mess but myself.



Early days.



My aunt and uncle were slobs. My parents would make me stay with them when I was a kid. There was dog and cat shit in the carpet, human shit on the bathroom floor. Dirty diapers were everywhere. Flies, maggots and roaches infested the place. All of the dishes were piled in the sink. The kid’s rooms smelled like piss. We ate meals on dirty plates. We drank out of old vegetable cans. I had to sleep on the couch that was covered with animal hair and strange smelling stains.

My aunt and uncle wouldn’t do anything but lines of speed and fuck all day. The kids were horrible, they stunk. None of them ever took baths and wore the same clothes for days. I don’t think any of them even owned a pair of shoes. The toilets were always backed up and spilling over. I went to the bathroom out side if I had to go.

For three days straight I only ate canned peaches. I didn’t feel safe eating anything else at the house. I would open the can and just slurp them down. I was locked out of the house once with my cousin. She was hungry and started crying. I banged on the door, but no one let us in. She took off her diaper and started eating her shit. I kicked the door, screaming for someone to let us in. We sat there for an hour, me freaking out crying and my cousin covered in shit.

My aunt finally answered the door and yelled at me for letting my cousin do that to herself. I went inside and was spanked. I had to clean up my cousin and spend the rest of the day in the corner.

A quick note.

This is a note I wrote to myself.

I’ve been dealing with being Bipolar for years. I have been ashamed about it. The stigma of having a mental illness was too much. I have a history of mental illness and suicide in my family. My father, aunt and uncle have committed suicide. All three were Bipolar. My mother is Bipolar; so far my sister was spared. I’ve been through some sad times and suicidal thoughts lately. With my family history I decided I need to get some help. I called my insurance company and told them what was going on and asked what I could do. They were extremely helpful and connected me to a nurse who asked a few questions about my family history and listened as I told her everything. She gave the phone numbers and websites of some suicide help centers she asked if she needed to call the police or an ambulance for me and if I was going to kill myself that night. I assured her that I would not be doing that. After she was certain I wouldn’t hurt myself, she connected me back to the insurance company. They gave me a list of mental health clinics and therapist in my area. I called a few and was able to see a therapist the weekend. After talking for an hour, she said I am a classic bipolar case. The therapist suggested I see a Dr. about meds. I went to see the doctor. She asked me questions for an hour. She told me I should try taking Lithium. I was apprehensive at first, but went ahead and started taking it. Three months later I feel fine. No more ups and downs, no more sitting in my apartment in the dark. I started a blog that I pour my feelings and thoughts into. After re-reading through it, I notice an upswing in my mood a few days after starting the lithium. And that feels good.

The good days out number the bad now.

Keep it that way.