Screw that. I ain't going anywhere.

Yesterday was a shock. I was shaking the whole time. Far in the back of my mind I thought, maybe she wants to get back together. I’d like to tell myself that I wouldn’t go back. I know I would. At least now I would. In a few months time, who knows?


She said she cares about me. She said she wants me to be happy, but she doesn’t feel sorry for me because I brought this on myself. And she’s right. I did bring a lot of this on my self. She was crying. She said she misses picking up the phone and talking about our day. She said she misses emailing each other stupid jokes all day long at work. She’s not blameless, she made her fair share of mistakes, but I thought all was forgiven and we were moving on. That’s why it as such a shock when she told me I needed to leave. I was blissfully unaware of anything wrong. Next time I’ll keep my eyes open.

I agreed to keep taking the Lithium. In the month or so that it takes for it to start working, I will not see my kids. It’ll be hard, but she’s right, they do not need to see me sad. It was implied that I might hurt myself with them at my house. No, never, I would never do that to them. After two aunts, an uncle and my father all killing themselves, I know what it does to a family. I may be a selfish asshole but I would never do that. Yes the thought surfaces from time to time but I’ve had those thoughts sine I was a kid. I’ve come this far without doing it and I‘m sure not going to now.

So now I have this future ahead of me. I hate to sound cliché’, but the future is wide open. I’m a little frightened, so I’m just going to take baby steps for awhile. I will keep taking the meds. I will keep writing. I will try to find new friends. I will not give up. I will be happy again someday.