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I’m tired of lying to myself.
I don’t want you to be happy.
I want you to be miserable.
I want you to wake up every morning wondering if you should just kill your self now and get it over with.
I want you to be on the verge of tears when you hear a song on the radio we both liked.
I want you to avoid going to certain restaurants and stores because we would go there together.
I want you to have to seek out new friends.
I want you to have to take anti-depressants and mood stabilizers.
I want you to look in our children’s faces and lie to them about how you feel fine.
I want you to come home everyday to a cold, dark, empty apartment and wonder “what’s the point.”
I want you to have to rebuild your life from scratch.
I want you to lye awake every night wondering where I am and being insanely jealous of who ever I am with.
I want you too suffer
I want you to feel all the pain and sadness I feel all the time.
I want you to look in the mirror and see a wasted shadow of yourself.
1 comment:
This is great entry. Raw and honest. (Hopefully not the way you fell ALL the time, but legitimate feelings none the less).
I hope you're spending some time working on yourself which will change the whole landscape of future relationships. Sounds like this one had some problems from the get go, no?
Also, it is ok and even important to be honest with your kids. Not about specific details, just about missing their mom and your family and being sad. Certainly you can come up with a gentle and truthful statement about what happened. Difficulties of love and loss and maintaining relationships are something we all learn and experience...
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